Buy you a drink? Registering for Alcohol 101

First rule: if it has a handi-grip, it can't be that good.

Of course, after six shots of Popov vodka, you'll need one to hold on to the bottle. And the folks at Popov, always thinking practically (a big help when you're practically not thinking), deliver.

My freshman year roommates knew how to take advantage of those plastic handles. On Friday and Saturday nights, the Popov flowed and tasted, suspiciously, like water. If you're like them, you'll probably want to do a lot of drinking next year. So what's the appeal?

1. Social intercourse: The main reason to come to Yale networking--hobnobbing with the rich and famous. You will become the envy of your friends at austere universities like Ohio State. Parties offer a rare opportunity to see the next generation of leaders at their most vulnerable moments. This will help you in later life. For example, simply witnessing the future president holding an intense argument about Aristotle with your sofa is probably enough to land you a cabinet position (just ask Madeleine Albright). On top of that, as some of you learned in high school, there are more kinds of intercourse than just social...see No. 5.

2. Health: Many people don't know this, but drinking a lot is beneficial to your health. Students who drink get an inside peek at University Health Services and receive special attention from physicians. Studies show that drinking greatly reduces the risk of dying of a heart attack (though it increases the risk of dying by running in a tiny circle by a factor of 629). You can think of a swig of Stolichnaya as a trip to the gym for your liver. My roommate's liver could benchpress more than 120 tons by the end of February, and I doubt he would have made it through finals week without that inner strength.

3. Honor: Of course you'll want to be ready for the Tang Cup, Delta Kappa Epsilon's annual intramural drink-off. Saybrook men and Calhoun women won the 1997 championships. Coincidentally, those colleges also received saunas and Olympic pools this year. Plus, students on the winning teams receive preferential dining hall treatment. You may wonder why the person sitting next to you is dining on lobster and duck while you pick at fried scrod. (At least, you think it's fried scrod.) Your well-fed dining companion, rest assured, can empty one more bottle than you.

4. Fun: Duh!

5. Attracting the opposite (or same, depending on preference) sex: Even the least attractive person can become an object of desire after a few shots of Jack Daniel's. Few people know this, but model and celebrated poet Naomi Campbell has a triple rum and coke before every photo shoot--as she told Cosmopolitan, "Pantene Pro-V for my hair, Bacardi for the rest." "Aha!" you say, "but what about Bringham Young? He had 16 wives, and he didn't touch a drop of the hard stuff! Therefore, it seems that I ought not to drink in order to attract members of the opposite sex." The Herald admits that this may be true, were this Bringham Young University. But at Yale, virility and beer are all over each other like two drunk prostitutes and Hugh Grant.

6. Money: Drinking is a economical endeavor. My critics object, "But you have to spend money to buy alcohol." Not true! You can steal it from a secret society. This is relatively easy to do. Just knock on the secret society door. If no one answers, push the button in the middle of the quatrafoil located above the lintel on the right, thereby releasing the secret switch in the eye of the glowing skull. Shout the name of William F. Buckley's, JE '46, latest book three times, and out comes a diminutive man with a French accent who will paint your fingernails blue. This won't help you get anything to drink, but if you push the homunculus out of the way, you can grab the large stash of Chateauneuf du Pape 1988 (a tangy, delicious red from the Cote du Rhone). So how will this help you make money? It helped William F. Buckley, didn't it? That's the secret to riches, my friend.

7. Football: What could possibly beat three beers and the Bears on a Sunday afternoon? (Answer: four beers and the Packers.)

8. Tradition: As you read in our "Something Blue" section, Yale is full of tradition. What did you think they meant by that? Books? They meant getting plastered! Hence, Harkness Tower is shaped like a bottle of Chivas Regal, and Morse College is designed to look like a hangover. Even the college's name betrays this ancient legacy (Y? ALE!).

Some of you say, "I want to work hard in college and get straight A's." Well, I have news for you. The guy who's throwing up next to me got straight A's. You won't get straight A's. So hit the bottle. College is easy and fun, but only if you're drunk.

Back to the Freshman Issue...