Yalie romance: not necessarily an oxymoron

Dating at Yale is a multi-branched path to love, wisdom, hilarity, sadness, and miscellaneous dating disorders. The diversity of experiences makes it difficult to define. Here are a few pointers; as for the rest, don't worry. You'll figure it out as you go along.

What is dating at Yale?

For starters, it usually isn't getting dressed up and going out with various romantic prospects. Generally, Yalies get to know each other more informally--through roommates, friends, parties, and so on. Inviting someone to eat dinner with you at a college or asking someone out for coffee is probably Yale's most common type of "date." Screw-your-roommate dances, in which roommates set each other up on blind dates, offer a more unusual method of meeting potential significant others; they allow you to go out with someone new without putting yourself on the line, since your roommate does all the work.

In general, Yalies don't date several people at the same time. The well-known Yale aphorism, "Either you're alone having occasional flings, or you're practically married" is something of an exaggeration, but it does contain a grain of truth. While most relationships at Yale are exclusive, not every one is incredibly serious and intense. And don't worry that if you don't find a boyfriend or girlfriend during your first month here, you'll be surrounded by "married" couples for the next four years. Yalies usually go out with several people during their time here, and the University is large enough that you'll constantly be meeting new people.

New romance is one of the main things frosh look forward to at Yale. At the same time, many are concerned about getting tied down too quickly. The best advice: make sure that you have a network of friends in addition to a boyfriend or girlfriend. Some people think that freshmen should wait until they're fully adjusted to college life before getting involved in a relationship. But if you meet the right girl or guy, you might as well go for it.

Time is scarce at Yale, and while it's tempting to spend most or all of your time with your boyfriend or girlfriend, it's equally important to spend time establishing your friendships. You don't want to worry that if you break up, you'll feel completely lonely and isolated. Maintain a balance, and get the best of both worlds.

You'll definitely see all kinds of relationships at Yale. Interracial dating is "a lot easier to do at Yale than in the real world," according to Ralph, a white senior involved with a black woman. Yale is relatively tolerant of mixed couples. Nevertheless, racial and cultural differences can lead to trouble. As Karen, a Chinese-American woman seriously involved with a white man, explained, "You're taught at Yale to be open to being friends with many people of difference races, and I applied this to dating as well. But you can have problems. You want to be liberal, but you also want to be true to your community."

Interfaith dating is often subject to similar pressures. Again, it's an individual choice, often depending on how important it is to you to marry someone of the same religion. Those who are committed to this idea often don't see the point of dating someone of a different faith, since this will lead to an inevitable breakup, and subsequent heartache. Many students, however, aren't ready to limit their options so quickly, thinking that they have plenty of time before they meet their future spouse. Whatever you choose to do, you can be sure that you'll find others who share your opinion.

Sex at Yale?

Seventy-two percent of all high school seniors have had sex, according to Glamour 
magazine. This is definitely not the case with your incoming Yale class. By the time you're a senior in college, the 72 percent mark might be accurate, but right now you're not even close. Maybe 50 percent.

Dating in college does not necessarily mean that you're having sex. Yalies understand that sexual intercourse itself isn't the be-all and end-all of sexual activity. Many Yalies explore sex gradually. People often sleep over well before they have sex, just to enjoy the intimacy of sharing the same bed. Many enjoy learning what gives them pleasure with someone they trust.

But the sexual pressures which one encounters in the real world aren't completely absent from Yale. A lack of communication can cause difficult situations. Openness, on the other hand, can help prevent a wide range of problems--from feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable, to actually doing something you didn't want to merely because you were too tongue-tied to refuse.

Safe sex at Yale is common and encouraged. AIDS testing at University Health Services (UHS) is free and confidential. Gynecologists (all female) will offer you a plethora of birth control methods, and condoms are free at UHS or from your freshman counselor.

Gay, lesbian, and bisexual couples

You can't generalize about gay relationships any more than about straight ones. The Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgendered Co-op sponsors dances that are among Yale's most popular, but it by no means defines gay social life; there is much more to do.

Many say that Yale is a good place to come out. One freshman cited this as a reason for choosing Yale over other schools. Several frosh said that many people in their class have come out of the closet since September. Some were pleased with the social life that began when they came out; others warned against negative reactions.

One freshman, who wished to remain anonymous, complained that "neither [the straight nor gay community] accepts bisexuality. I've never defined myself in either category." Another student, however, said "If you want sex, it's very available in both communities. You can choose to be celibate or to totally sleep around."

Girlfriends and boyfriends from home

Tons of Yalies come to school hoping to continue relationships with their high school sweethearts. The sad fact: no matter how deeply you may feel about sweet Susie who now goes to UCLA, many long-distance relationships don't last. Some couples plan to stay together yet see other people, while others choose to remain exclusive. "Breaking up was never an option--we'd both be miserable," said one sophomore who is still with her high school boyfriend. For others, though, the stress of distance combined with the opportunity to meet so many new people, causes the relationship to end.

In general, maintaining high school relationships in college only causes serious problems when they become so burdensome or painful that they prevent you from building other friendships or doing work. A lot of men and women retain their girlfriends and boyfriends from home while exploring their options at Yale. Whether or not they are successful by the time summer rolls around, they all have a much better sense of themselves and of the relationship. Don't stress too much about any decision now--follow your instincts. You can change your mind at any point once you're here.

During your four years at Yale, it's likely that you'll be thrilled with the dating scene at some points and totally disgusted at others. Don't be too convinced by the common complaint that there's no dating at Yale--most people do become involved in some kind of relationship during their college experience. With over 5,000 undergraduates, you never know who you'll meet or where it will lead.

Photo by Tyler Mertes

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