Expand your vocabulary: Harvard sucks

1. Bulldogs vs. Cantabs

The Yale mascot is the Bulldog. Not just any dog, but a tough-ass bulldog. Bulldogs growl. They bite people. They reproduce. The Harvard mascot is a cantab. A cantab? (I didn't know what one was either.) A cantab is a wimpy little Puritan guy. Cantabs pray. They study. They are celibate teetotallers. They get the crap kicked out of them by Bulldogs.

2. Elihu Yale vs. John Harvard

Elihu Yale was a stud. He was a rich collector of art and books. He made his living exploiting people. He gave Yale £1162 and got his name on the door. His funky name gave us the nickname "The Elis." John Harvard was a stooge. He arrived in Massachusetts in 1637, caught tuberculosis, and died. He got his name on the door for a paltry £779. He had a boring first name. Can you imagine the Harvard cheer filling the stadium: "Go Johns!"?

3. 36 vs. 32 credit graduation requirement

All right guys, let's face it: we do work. A lot of work. Why do you think every residential college has a library? Just goes to show whose diplomas are worth something and whose can be found in the toilet stalls.

4. New Haven vs. Cambridge

New Haven is a great town. We invented the frisbee and the hamburger. We've got the best pizza in the world. Cambridge—what do they have that we don't? Auto theft. The life expectancy of a Corvette on the streets of Boston is 24 hours.

5. Famous alumni

We've had the past two presidents, Hillary Clinton, LAW '73, Jodie Foster, CC '84, the Fonz, DRA'75, Meryl Streep, DRA'75, Garry Trudeau, DC '70, GRD '76, William F. Buckley, Jr., JE '46, and Mark Lynn Baker (Cousin Larry), SY '76. Did any of them go to Harvard? I don't think so.

—Jason DeViva

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