Varsity, schmarsity: IMs are where it's at

During my first semester at Yale, I got fat. The Doodleburgers and Krauzer's hoagies caught up to me by October. Luckily, one day a robed messenger showed up at my door. "You have been chosen to enter Yale I & M, the most secretive of intramural athletic societies." Because they promised me fast money and even faster women, I donned a black cape and a golden mask and followed them to their tomb: the Lanman Center at Payne Whitney Gymnasium.

FILE PHOTO Classic IM camaraderie at work.

After I passed the preliminary physical tests which consisted of walking 10 feet in less than a minute—obviously, anyone can play IMs—I was introduced to the great guru Peter Sung, SY '99, who built Saybrook into an intramural dynasty and, despite graduating and moving to New York, still can't seem to sever his ties with Yale IMs. Numerous times Sung was accused of cheating, but each time his society cronies were there to put horse heads in the beds of the ill-fated accusers. Sung proceeded to enlighten me about the clandestine rituals of I & M.

I was placed in a coffin and carried to the Bulldog room, where the athletic archives are kept. There, Sung gave me the mystical vellum scroll that lists all of the events. I found that society members play coed touch football, men's and women's soccer, coed golf, coed lawn volleyball, tennis, cross country and table tennis in the fall. Men's and women's volleyball, squash, coed inner-tube water polo, coed swimming and basketball in the winter. Ultimate, coed soccer, coed golf, softball, baseball, and coed lawn volleyball are the battles in the spring. Students can play as many sports as they choose; the most insatiable IM fiends play up to 11 sports per year.

Finally, I was led into the trophy room, where I saw the elusive Tyng Cup, given to the top-scoring residential college each year. Last year, the Morse faction captured the trophy, edging out 1998 and 1999 champion Saybrook. The secret advance data seemed to indicate that in 2000-2001, Saybrook, Morse, and Ezra Stiles would again be strong, while JE and Davenport would finally move into the upper echelon.

Historically, Saybrook and Timothy Dwight have been stronger than George W.'s drug of choice, while Trumbull, Branford and JE have been the traditional cupcakes. I also saw the T-shirts, which are given to the winners of each sport. This year, Saybrook and Morse took home multiple shirts in the fall, winter, and spring.

Pieces of memorabilia from great IM moments and intramural heroes abounded in the hallways and secret underground passages. I saw the scorecard from the infamous golf game in which Branford used an illegal Silliman player. I saw the jerseys of the four brave JE A-hoops players who played a man short and defeated No. 1 Morse despite losing two players to broken limbs and two others who drove the injured pair to the hospital. There was also the ball that IM legend Dirk Van Den Bos, MC '01, intercepted to seal Morse's touch football championship last fall. I even saw the skull of Geronimo, who reportedly led Trumbull to the Tyng Cup a century ago disguised as Dink Stover.

"I was a high school All-American in basketball," I asked the guru. "Will Yale IMs be challenging enough for me in hoops and laid-back in other sports?"

"Sure," he replied. "Some of Yale's finest leave the varsity ranks because the intramural program is so good. In many sports, though, you'll find beginners like yourself."

Since varsity athletes are not allowed to compete in the intramural event of their sport, I didn't have to worry about taking out and ruining Eric Johnson's, JE '01, career in coed touch football.

After leaving the tomb, I went straight to the fields. Needless to say, I was phenomenally successful, thanks to my affiliation with the organization. Open lanes to the goal materialized in front of me, and all of my errant jump shots rattled in. My friends started calling me "Carrera" because my body looked as if it was cut from Italian marble. And the stories about the money and the women are truer than a Budweiser.

If you too wish to be a part of this elite society, talk to the IM secretaries in your residential college and watch for sign-up sheets. Whether you are a die-hard Tyng Cup standings watcher or a weekend warrior looking for some exercise, IMs can provide you with the athletic experience you are looking for. Just remember the password.

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