Harvard: Internationally scorned, lacking character...

Like the still-ongoing presidential election, the rivalry between Yale and Harvard is about character. Yale has character, as evidenced by the fact that its name is street slang for crack cocaine. Harvard lacks character; its name is synonymous with no mind-altering substances, unless you count the psychedelic effect of eating piles of shit—I mean, receiving a Harvard education.

Harvard will do or say anything to trick the American public into believing it has character. But the facts speak for themselves. Nobody ever says that having lots of money builds character. Harvard has $19.2 billion; Yale squeaks by with a measly $10 billion, absolute testimony that we are down to earth alongside the common man. Harvard is so desperate that it has reportedly stooped to subliminal advertising in an effort to RATS mislead the public.

Character means that people take you at your word. The poor souls subjected to Harvard's campus tour hear about the "Statue of Three Lies." To make a long and very boring story short, in Harvard Yard stands a statue claiming to be John Harvard—that is in fact the image of the sculptor's nephew, or something. (The other two lies are that Harvard is a good school, and that Harvard is a good school.) At Yale, what you see is what you get. Connecticut Hall is in Connecticut. Nathan Hale isn't frickin' Oprah Winfrey. He's Nathan Hale, just like he should be.

People who can keep secrets have character. Yale has secret societies. Harvard's equivalent are "finals clubs." They are not only not secretive, the finals clubs are organized around academic testing. Meanwhile, Yalies are busy dressing up in robes, singing chants and starting the CIA. Advantage: Yale.

Character is owning up to your mistakes. For over 300 years, Harvard has been churning out uninteresting, stupid and terribly unattractive students. Has anyone heard an apology? Didn't think so. Further, you have to make mistakes in order to build character. All of Harvard's local bars strongly enforce the drinking age (and don't even get me started about the absolute lack of parties at Harvard during The Game weekend). This severely limits Harvard students' abilities to drive drunk, pay the fine, and become better people for the experience.

Sex builds character. Yale has more phallic monuments than a Russian sex shop. Harkness Tower. JE's Floating Helmets. KBT. The list is endless. Luckily, we have more than enough to make up for Harvard's typically poor showing. Yale has events at which public nudity is rewarded. Harvard students are paid by the government to keep their clothes on. Yale has Bush. Harvard was founded by Puritans. We could go on, but this is already too depressing.

Character means that you steal things. Yalies have stolen tons of cool Harvard stuff. Harvard students are too uptight to steal anything. Yale wins again.

One's reputation is a reflection of one's character. We asked several people around the world to comment on Harvard's reputation. Armando from Spain told us, "[[exclamdown]]Ojalá que los Cantabs vayan todos al infierno!" Shmuel from Israel said, "Harvard yodea paroht cmo Adam yadah Eve." Francesca, an Italian model, likened Harvard to, "tanti brutti cammelli con diarrea." Boris Popov believes, "Harvard, govno! Idi na khuy!" Basil from England grumbled, "Bloody Cantab buggers. They bite my willie." Pierre the Frenchman said, "Je ne veux pas coucher avec Harvard çe soir!" Our friend Quintus the Roman Centurion snapped, "Harvard irrumator est." Osama from Saudi Arabia exclaimed, "Harvard infidels! I kill! I kill!!!" You get the picture. As for Yale's international reputation? Overwhelmingly positive, as summed up by Hiroki from Japan, "Yale America super wow!"

Ultimately, it's all a difference of opinion. Harvard trusts government—they have a Kennedy School of Government. Yale, meanwhile, trusts the people—hence the, um, Yale School of People. Yeah. It's on Mansfield Street. Anyway, Harvard trusts government so much that it runs a "Vanishing Voter Project"—clearly a plot to eradicate the electorate so that Harvard can rule the world. Well, we're on to your dirty tricks, Harvard. We have our suspicions.

But enough of this divisiveness. It's time for a new era of unity. The candidates at least agree that we must learn from history. Cambridge's river is named for King Charles. New Haven's major streets—Whalley, Dixwell and Goffe—are named for the three English judges who sentenced Charles to death by beheading. Suck on that.

To make one final, cultural analogy, the Yale/Harvard rivalry is like the Blair Witch Project. The filmmakers who go in the woods with no extra food and one map are Harvard. Yale is the Blair Witch, who kicks their ass. 'Nuff said.

Jorge W. Bush is a senior in Jonathan Edwards College.

Graphics by Sarah England.

Back to The Game Issue...