Ah, autumn! What a lovely season. A season of leaves and golden dawns. A time of cool winds and rich crops of grain and babbling brooks hushed by the sound of gunfire as sickened Yalies take aim at members of a cappella singing groups.
The blare of voices that has engulfed us demands an explanation. Fear not, gentle readers, the answer is in our classrooms and in our streets. It talks with us, eats with us, and sometimes sleeps with us. Some of you are even a part of it. It is the Class of 1999. And, as sure as hook-ups follow Naples, with a new Yale class comes a truckload of a cappella singers craving to blindly recruit.
The process can be summed up in one caustic word: rush!
Rush can be divided into five parts: 1. sucking up to freshmen (flirting); 2. auditions (foreplay); 3. rush meals (the act); 4. singing dessert (the guilt); and 5. tap night (that warm, glowing feeling).
Stage one begins the moment a new class arrives on our hallowed soil. During the first week of rush (Aug. 27-Sept. 27) it is quite common that any freshman who mentions the word "sing" will receive a gold watch. Those who actually sign up to rush a group will probably be taken to Hawaii. At this point, if you haven't yet been to the West Coast via a cappella express, bid farewell to your dreams of harmony and song.
If you actually show up at your audition, the group will be so pleased that they will have a collective orgasm. But the fun has just begun! Upon your arrival, the group will administer a test filled with strange questions, such as "What is your favorite flavor M&M?" and "Draw a picture of what you would look like if you turned into a monster." These tasks may seem completely unrelated to singing, or, for that matter, anything. Do them.
No one really knows what happens once a rushee goes inside the audition room. It is rumored that a snap of the fingers of the almighty pitchpipe is all that's needed to disembowel one who fails the "water" test.
All auditionees are guaranteed rush meals, complete with free YUDH food. These can range from profoundly awkward to quaintly bizarre to just simply boring, but consider it a good sign if you are not scheduled with the two members of the group who are currently in Europe. Whatever you do, make sure that you show up on time for your meals. If you are late, the group will eat you.
While rush meals are fun and, at times, spiritually enlightening, singing desserts provide the best way to get to know the real character of a group and double your weight through the ingestion of food with no nutritional content. The procedure is simple. Basically, you sit for two hours wearing name tags and watch a bunch of people in suits try to get your attention by singing to you or making bad jokes. After they are done, the members pal around with you and try to get you to give them your support. It is not unlike the YPU.
Our carnival of a cappella culminates in an orgy known as "Tap Night".* While the freshmen sit in their rooms and drink themselves into delirium, the singing groups outline a game plan by which they can most efficiently hurt other singing group members and capture the flag. Or is that rugby?
At 12:00 a.m., the Whiffenpoofs sing the National Anthem, and all of the singing group members (decked out in pseudo-religious tapestry and covered with war paint) descend upon Old Campus in search of their prey, breaking things and yelling a lot.
After the ruckus, the loudly salivating groups dance around their new taps and begin preparing them for next year's rush.
The only thing that could hope to improve this wonder of Yale is more singing groups. Just think! With more singing groups come more concerts, more desserts, more advertisements. Soon, Yale will rule the world! Nothing can stop us!
"Oh, alas, Adam!" you cry, "though we have plenty of able singers, there exists a deep emptiness in our plan. What, o what will we call these new groups?"
Behold:
Adam Kosloff is a sophomore in D-port.
Copyright 1995, The Yale Herald, Inc. All rights reserved.
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