The Right Way

September 22, 1995

Get a grip

The Right Way by Krista McGruder

Today's fashion magazines counsel young women on the latest skirt styles (A-line or slim), makeup (matte or shine) and lovers (whether to go for the offensive linebacker or the long-haired boy who writes poetry). Few magazines give decent advice about how to survive on a campus where shopping is limited, time is precious, and cramped dorm quarters ensure that everyone knows your business before you do. And while Yale may do a bang-up job orienting its freshwomen, the following is the real, get-a-grip kind of advice that you can't hear from your mother, your therapist, or the bouncers at Demery's.

Three necessities for an emergency:

Flashlight, box of condoms, and an extra pair of pantyhose.

Five things to have handy for a party:

'80s dance mix, decent wine, box of condoms, bottle of aspirin, and a sober hostess.

Six objects to hide under your bed:

Box of cookies mom sent from home, your little black book, mustache removal kit, the C- paper you wrote in English 129, and the pictures you and your best friend took in high school when you snuck into the football locker room after the big game.

Three lines that should set off warning bells:

Anything that starts with "I'm just a nice guy...." "Do you have a cute roommate?" "We have Sega Hockey in my room."

Four sins to confess:

You ate your roommate's food, you drank your roommate's beer, you stole your suitemate's sweater, and you recycled your neighbor's art project...oops...

Ten skills more useful than a Yale degree:

How to tie a man's tie, open a bottle of champagne gracefully, sew on a button, play nine-ball, use the Internet, pick up the check, visit professors in office hours, write thank-you notes, mix a great martini, and look striking in a t-shirt and jeans.

Two random acts of kindness to win friends forever:

Bake and deliver oatmeal-raisin cookies, and send funny postcards during finals.

Five signs that you're over him:

You don't cry anymore when you see the toothbrush he left in your bathroom, you can't remember what he wore on the eighth night you were together, you see him and he looks really fat, you get asked on a date, and you get a better job offer than he gets.

Three tasks to complete before graduation:

Write a paper you are proud of, send

flowers at least once for Mother's Day, and learn how to take a compliment.

Four things better than sex at Yale:

Graduation, watching Friends, Ashley's ice cream, and cups at Mory's.

Two lessons not to learn the hard way:

Dean's excuses are not automatic, and CCL really does notice when books on reserve are overdue.

Two delusions about Yalies to ditch right now:

They have perfect lives, and they know where they are going.

Krist McGruder is a senior in Saybrook.

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