The Yale Divinity School is facing cutbacks and decreasing enrollment, and it does not surprise me one bit. This message goes out to all members of the Divinity School: you are wasting your time. No person in his right mind needs to go to school to bec ome a minister or even a saint. I am totally surprised that any divinity schools exist at all, when there are so many profitable religious opportunities just waiting out there in the real world.
Take me, for example. I have not read much of the Bible and am not Christian, but I have been ordained - just last week, in fact. If you need to be married in the state of California, hold a funeral, or become ordained yourself, just give me a ring. I have special student rates for marriages and funerals. Did I go to any divinity school? Certainly not.
I hate to encourage competition to my burgeoning ministry, but I should probably tell you that you too can become a full-fledged minister by checking out the Universal Life Church's web site at http://www.ybi.com/ulc/index.html. All one does to become a minister is fill out a name and address on the convenient form that is provided right on your computer screen. Feel free to make your friends ministers, as a safe and pleasant sort of prank. Seconds later, your application reaches the Church's server in California, and you are ordained. An official ordination certificate and book about the Church is promptly sent in the mail. You can even print out a certificate signed by the Bishop Kirby J. Hensley right off your computer screen. It is clearly official ; it has the church seal and everything.
This Internet ordination may appear to be too easy, but there is no catch. At least I hope not, since these people have my address. For those of you who are squeamish about committing your soul to some strange church, please try to relax. One of the sp ecial features of the Universal Life Church is its lack of any established beliefs, dogmas or rigorous philosophy. The Church is based in California, so what do you expect? The Church's only well-defined philosophy is non-selectivity. They say: "We believ e everyone is already a member of the Church and is not aware of it yet. The Universal Life Church will ordain anyone that asks without question of faith, and without a fee."
The Universal Life Church may be a very silly church, but in some states ministers of this church can marry people, namely California. What I want to accomplish as a minister is get tax-exempt status. Legally, all I have to do to start a church is to h ave three other members - a secretary, a president and a treasurer. So if you want to join the church board give me a ring. Who needs a congregation anyway?
Evidently people have actually tried to start four-person churches; MTV News had a special on one such Church at Berkeley. If you help me start a church, you too can be on MTV and be really famous just like those Berkeley people. A note of warning - ev idently the IRS instantly audits those who try to start Universal Life Churches. For some reason they doubt the serious intentions of such churches.
Not only can you become a "real" minister, but the church also awards titles and sainthoods. Yes, you too can become a bona fide Saint, canonized off the Internet. Whereas real saints perform miracles or are killed in gruesome ways that often involve f laying or burning, nowadays, sainthood is surprisingly easy and affordable. A sainthood certificate only costs $5 - the same price as a classy Press/Minister Window Shield for your car. Might I add that sainthood makes an excellent and affordable birthday present or Valentine's day gift for that special someone? St. Augustine must be turning in his grave. The title of God is not for sale, but only because the Universal Life Church does not believe in God.
Many silly titles are also available, for those who are tired of the same old sainthood. Other special titles available for a nominal fee include the title of Lama, Magus, Shaman, Dervish, Druid, and Monsignor. I want to apply to be a Mother Superior. I'm sure St. Augustine would have rather been a Lama, if he had only had the chance.
The Universal Life Church can also save you the time and expense of graduate schools, and you need not bother with complicated applications or recommendations. You too can have those letters Ph.D. by your name, since the Church accredits mail courses f or Doctorates in Divinity, Religious Science, Biblical Studies, Religion, and even Law. Law students become members of the "Universal Bar Association," with many job opportunities, no doubt. Imagine being the universal lawyer, kind of like being the unive rsal soldier or a universal exercise machine. Actually, the Universal Life Church has more to offer than the Yale Divinity School, since it also sells - for a mere $20 - doctorates in immortality, universal life, and motivation. Doctors of immortality wou ld certainly be in great demand among mere mortals.
The Universal Life Church is a must for you resumé padders; what school or organization can refuse a minister who is also a saint and faith-healer, with three or four doctorate degrees? Undergraduate Career Services should really keep a file on t hese guys. So please, E-mail the Church, and help me form my own tax-free church. At your computer, you have the afterworld at your fingertips; religion has never been so dumb and easy.
Copyright 1995, The Yale Herald, Inc. All rights reserved.
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