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Big Mac attack: McDonald's to serve dining halls
By Warren Giddings
Have you had your break today? The Yale University Dining Halls (YUDH) are about to take a long break, thanks to the McDonald's Corporation and the Yale Administration. In an effort to save the floundering flex dollars program, McDonald's restaurant food will be available on campus next fall in four residential college dining halls, partially replacing standard service. Renovations to install grilling and frying equipment are expected to be completed by the end of the summer.
The day of reckoning has come for YUDH. According to Director Al Kenney, JE '67, the dramatic change will infuse new life into the currently inflexible Yale meal plan by bringing food, folks, and fun into the residential college framework. "There was just no reason for the facade to continue," Kenney admitted in a recent interview. "Frankly, given how flex dollars never really got off the ground, I'm surprised it took this long for something drastic to happen. But now, every meal will be a Happy Meal."
The move comes as a surprise in the wake of current labor strife and Local 35's strike. The Federation of University Employees chose not to oppose subcontracting to McDonald's because of the stability it will lend to Yale's food service operations. In addition, behind-the-scenes negotiations have guaranteed that McDonald's will retain all current dining hall employees from the proposed residential colleges. Local 35 President Bobby Proto said, "You can always teach this old plumber new tricks. Once training is complete, our members are pumped to don their uniforms and get frying." Proto and spokesperson Deborah Chernoff celebrated the death of flex dollars by polishing off a couple hundred Chicken McNuggets.
Where will Yalies be without Chicken Tenderbites, Mozzarella Bricks, and Chicken Kiev to ejaculate molten butter all over their plates? Out of heart attack range? Perhaps not. University Health Services has doubled its cardiac arrest support crew and acquired an ambulance in anticipation of professors passing out during lectures after a Big Mac attack. "We're especially concerned about the older residential college fellows," DUH spokesperson Ellen R. Thritis said. "Some of them shouldn't even be eating solid food."
Doubts remain as to whether other options could provide cleaner arteries. "We pishcked McDownahld's wif everybody's helf in mind," mumbled Vice President for Finance and Administration Joseph Mullinix through a mouthful of fries. Wheeling a toy Fry Guy Go-Cart across his desk, Mullinix managed to swallow safely. McDonald's was chosen from a wide field of restaurants. "We tried Lew Beckwith from the Yankee Doodle, but it turned out the butter market couldn't handle the projected demand," Mullinix explained, and then crowned himself with his inverted Happy Meal box. "After careful deliberation, we were able to eliminate the other candidates. Tony Prifitera of Naples' Pizza had it all going for him until he mentioned putting Bud Light taps between the soda and juice machines. Ernie and Wawa's Express Deli Line had a shot until, well...we found out about the sheep incident at the Yale farm."
(See Big Mac attack)