Have you had your break today? The Yale University Dining Halls (YUDH) are about to take a long break, thanks to the McDonald's Corporation and the Yale Administration. In an effort to save the floundering flex dollars program, McDonald's restaurant food will be available on campus next fall in four residential college dining halls, partially replacing standard service. Renovations to install grilling and frying equipment are expected to be completed by the end of the summer.
The day of reckoning has come for YUDH. According to Director Al Kenney, JE '67, the dramatic change will infuse new life into the currently inflexible Yale meal plan by bringing food, folks, and fun into the residential college framework. "There was just no reason for the facade to continue," Kenney admitted in a recent interview. "Frankly, given how flex dollars never really got off the ground, I'm surprised it took this long for something drastic to happen. But now, every meal will be a Happy Meal."
The move comes as a surprise in the wake of current labor strife and Local 35's strike. The Federation of University Employees chose not to oppose subcontracting to McDonald's because of the stability it will lend to Yale's food service operations. In addition, behind-the-scenes negotiations have guaranteed that McDonald's will retain all current dining hall employees from the proposed residential colleges. Local 35 President Bobby Proto said, "You can always teach this old plumber new tricks. Once training is complete, our members are pumped to don their uniforms and get frying." Proto and spokesperson Deborah Chernoff celebrated the death of flex dollars by polishing off a couple hundred Chicken McNuggets.
Where will Yalies be without Chicken Tenderbites, Mozzarella Bricks, and Chicken Kiev to ejaculate molten butter all over their plates? Out of heart attack range? Perhaps not. University Health Services has doubled its cardiac arrest support crew and acquired an ambulance in anticipation of professors passing out during lectures after a Big Mac attack. "We're especially concerned about the older residential college fellows," DUH spokesperson Ellen R. Thritis said. "Some of them shouldn't even be eating solid food."
Doubts remain as to whether other options could provide cleaner arteries. "We pishcked McDownahld's wif everybody's helf in mind," mumbled Vice President for Finance and Administration Joseph Mullinix through a mouthful of fries. Wheeling a toy Fry Guy Go-Cart across his desk, Mullinix managed to swallow safely. McDonald's was chosen from a wide field of restaurants. "We tried Lew Beckwith from the Yankee Doodle, but it turned out the butter market couldn't handle the projected demand," Mullinix explained, and then crowned himself with his inverted Happy Meal box. "After careful deliberation, we were able to eliminate the other candidates. Tony Prifitera of Naples' Pizza had it all going for him until he mentioned putting Bud Light taps between the soda and juice machines. Ernie and Wawa's Express Deli Line had a shot until, well...we found out about the sheep incident at the Yale farm."
Town-gown relations have received a boost from the partnership. New Haven Mayor John DeStefano, Jr., held a formal reception for his colleague Mayor McCheese over spring break. At the ceremony, observers had difficulty telling the difference between the Democrat and the Meat-head. The duo declared a brotherhood between the peoples of New Haven and McDonaldland. A teary-eyed DeStefano blubbered, "This is a fabulous feat for fast-food friends from Farmington to Trumbull. Humans and cartoon characters can finally live in peace." McCheese, having no mouth, declined to comment.
Several of McDonald's demands have provoked a vehement student response. Daniel Schwartz, JE '98, bitched, "I'm just glad JE will keep its dining hall instead of the franchise. They're making it McThis, McThat, McEverything. It's totally nutty." The revised names of the affected residential colleges are still unofficial, but according to McSchwartz, many McYalies will soon be living in McBranford, McDavenport, McMorse, and McTrumbull-sporting a redesigned crest of the three Fry Guys in place of decapitated bovine heads.
McDonald's greasy presence will change the face of the Yale in more ways than just an acne epidemic. Architect Maya Lin, SY '81, ARC '84, has been commissioned to sculpt a statue of Ronald McDonald to grace the Old Campus lawn, alongside the image of Theodore Woolsey. "It will be my tour-de-force," Lin bragged between mouthfuls of McDonaldland Cookies at a recent press conference. "The Vietnam Wall will look like flat granite in comparison." The enthroned Ron is rumored to bestow low cholesterol upon those who stroke his big red shoes.
President Richard Levin, GRD '74, ordered a personally tailored Grimace suit to replace his purple robes for commencement ceremonies this May. "You'd be surprised how many squirrels I can fit down my pants in that thing," Levin giggled. Squirming in his seat, he continued, "Actually, I've got a couple of them in there right now." His only regret? "Grimace can smile like nobody's business, but the guy's a tub. The costume doesn't do justice to my girlish figure. But at least I don't have to wear that stupid Birdie costume like [Yale College Dean] Dick [Brodhead]." Brodhead, BR '68, GRD '71, slapped Levin upside the head and offered to dance for this interview. "McDonald's can't do milkshakes like my rump-shakin'," he shook. "Think I could cut it on 'The Grind?'"
Yale Police, surprisingly, got pretty pissed about the McDonald's franchises. "That damn Hamburglar cleared out our entire donut stash," Assistant Chief James Perotti shouted. "He's gonna 'Robble robble' his way into the slammer, buddy."
Director of Athletics Tom Beckett isn't worried about Big Macs wreaking havoc with Yale athletes' diet regimens: "Hakuna matata, man! Those gymnasts are toothpicks anyway. I wear one of their leotards when I go jogging, and they're damn tight where it counts. You know what I mean?" Head football coach Carmen Cozza wasn't fazed by the calorie threat. "I already told the boys, 'Only McLean Deluxes before a game.' By the way, baby, you think our defensive line is big? Step over here, Sweetcakes, and I'll show you what's Supersized."
Cozza's revolutionary new football training techniques will be implemented in the state-of-the-art McDonald's Indoor Playland on the 11th floor of the Payne Whitney Gymnasium. Beckett originally had reservations about the project: "The playground took two-thirds of our money for gym renovations, but I made sure that the jocks wouldn't be allowed on the equipment without adult supervision."
In response to complaints about the University's use of Grade D meat, McDonald's officers mentioned a remarkably cheap offer from a beef producer in England. "There's something I heard about mad cows over there," a McDonald's representative gurgled, as he convulsed and drooled. "But if you were going to be hamburger meat, wouldn't you be mad too?" Morse students, led by Acting Master Ben Rodriguez, MC '97, have liberated their college from the tyranny of the lipstick, under the aegis of Mother Mickey Dee. Spouting chunks of chewed Filet o' Fish, Rodriguez ranted, "Everyone knows Morse is the Co-op, not a cosmetics factory. We're tearing down that big red phallus and erecting a gigantic french fry." At the McDonald's Intergalactic Headquarters on Jupiter's moon Europa, the fry guys expressed their joint approval with Rodriguez's plan. "Geeble gooble frock," the Red Fry Guy said. His cousin, Blue Fry Guy, agreed, "Isk att, oom oom isk att!"
With thanks to Barely Ravin', BR '98.
Copyright 1996, The Yale Herald, Inc. All rights reserved.
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