Today, it seems, the world is full of trivial facts. The elections in Benin have resulted in a tie between a democrat and a Marxist dictator. This sounds important, but I have a bit of trouble recalling the location of Benin. There is threatened freedom in Western Sahara and East Timor, but I'm not exactly sure what is east of Timor. Finally, moving closer to home, I find something in America...the presidential election.
Although choosing the next Commander-in-Chief of the United States is usually assumed to be important, the harsh reality is that it isn't. What important things does a president do, beyond giving speeches? After all, security is handled by the Joint Chiefs of Staff, international relations by the Secretary of State, and so on. The President has become merely a figurehead in the political arena; a prawn in the sea of politics.
What should the average U.S. voter do? The answer, my friends, is blowin' in the wind. Well not actually, but I thought that music would be a good segue into the true candidate for president: Democratic Representative Sonny Bono.
Although this option sounds extreme, when one looks at the competition, the Bono in '96 campaign has a real shot. After all, First Lady Clinton, along with fumbles in Yugoslavia, have all but killed President Clinton's chances for nomination. Not even another pot-smoking, MTV-watching, hot, steamy affair can save Slick Willie now. Ralph Nader is running for the Green Party. And although Nader has the support of the environmentalists, how many people can Greenpeace get elected? Lyndon LaRouche, felon, socialist, and 20-year veteran of the presidential race, has just gotten out of jail and has been placed on the ballot for the Socialists. This factionalization of the left can only result in a loss. Hence Sonny Bono, lover of Cher-woman of scant clothing-and all-around nice guy has "Got us all, Babe" and can unite the left.
Before I laud Sonny too much, I would like to address the rest of the field. But this field resembles a barren, rock-strewn, oil-stained parking lot. Look around: all that the right has to choose from is a walking corpse, namely Bob Dole, and a brown-shirted, give-nukes-to-North-Korea, garnering-support-from-Vladimir-Zhrinofsky, nut case-otherwise known as Pat Buchanan.
That is not the whole truth, because there are a few other choices in the field. Harry Browne, the older yet less well known brother of Charlie, is the Libertarian candidate and has a chance. A snowball's chance in hell, that is. Then of course, we can count on the actions of the rich guy candidate. Not Forbes, proving that rich people can actually have a brain and save their money, but good old Ross Perot.This Howdy Doody-looking candidate could actually run away with the prize as the right and left are so fragmented.
This is the reason why everyone must get on the Bono bandwagon. Anyone who is brave enough to marry a woman who can dance half-naked on a boat in her 50s is brave enough to run this country. Who needs a military service record? The only thing we have to fear is fear itself-and the random acid flashback. Sonny Bono can unite the left and pull together the right under a veil of happy, purple haze. Everyone can waste their time arguing the Dole-Clinton dichotomy but this political wonk will spend his time orchestrating the "I was gotten by Sonny Bono, Babe" campaign.
Bill Burdett, a sophomore in Stiles, denies watching reruns of the Sonny and Cher show on Nickelodeon.
Copyright 1996, The Yale Herald, Inc. All rights reserved.
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