Washington residents can count on something in addition to death and taxes-come April, golf courses in the region will get a little crowded. While other teams march toward league championships, the NBA's Bullets and NHL's Capitals will end their seasons prematurely. Over the years, the uniforms have been changed, the bodies filling those uniforms have changed multiple times, and the prices of watching those bodies have skyrocketed, but the results remain the same.
Les Boulez, as they are affectionately known, have been victimized by poor management and even worse luck. They epitomized mediocrity throughout the early-to- mid-1980s, whether led by Moses Malone or the "Beef Brothers" (Jeff Ruland and Rick Mahorn in his pre-Bad-Boy days). Always just good enough to lose in the first round of the playoffs, the PR department claimed the team was just a player away from contender status.
To take that next step, Bullets management could have drafted Karl Malone. Instead they took Kenny Green. (Who? Exactly.) Other draft-day steals included Anthony Jones and Tom Hammonds. They paired Muggsy Bogues with Manute Bol so that they could have the NBA's tallest and shortest player, though that didn't do much for them in the standings.
John "Hot Plate" Williams and Kevin Duckworth also wore Bullets uniforms with pride, ensuring owner Abe Pollin that the money spent on the postgame meal would not go to waste. But the move that epitomized their plunge from mediocrity toward the cellar came when they used a second-round draft choice to land a versatile seven-foot center from Tennessee, Doug Roth...despite the fact that he was legally blind. While other teams worried whether their draft picks had the quickness or strength to make it in the NBA, Les Boulez had to worry about whether their man could see the hoop.
When the 1995-96 campaign began, Bullets fans were optimistic, for management had finally realized the key to winning games-putting players on the floor who have talent. With Chris Webber and Juwan Howard, the playoffs were a legitimate goal. But then, in typical Bullets fashion, the injury bug bit. Webber went out for the year following shoulder surgery. His backup was unproven rookie Rasheed Wallace. He performed admirably in Webber's place, even challenging for the league lead in technical fouls. Then when he actually started to act like a pro, he broke his thumb and went on the shelf for the year.
No problem, since the Bullets had acquired Mark Price, the veteran point guard that would lead them to the promised land, right? Wrong. Price appeared in only five games this season due to foot problems. When the Bullets faxed his agent his contract before the year began, Price incredulously asked, "They know about my foot, right?" Why ask why, Mark? These are the Bullets. It looked like Les Boulez had finally caught a break when Robert Pack played well in Price's stead. Then he ended up with nerve damage in his leg after knocking knees with another player. Only the Bullets.
Meanwhile, the Capitals, who share the Bullets' home arena, are even more frustrating to watch. Every year, they win just enough to get a middle-of-the-pack playoff spot. Then they look like they are going to deliver, usually taking a 3-1 lead against a more-talented team. Maybe this is the year, gullible fans think. Then, faster than you can say "New York Yankees versus Seattle," they choke, managing to lose three straight and still make that late April tee-time. As an elementary schooler, I remember listening to the radio into the wee hours of the morning as the Capitals lost a deciding game against the New York Islanders in the third overtime. Now I wait until game six of the first round, just out of curiosity to see how they will break their fans' hearts this season.
The excuses are always the same. They ran into a hot goalie. They got an unlucky bounce. We just need one more goal-scorer (though that never spurs GM David Poile into acquiring one). While high-octane offensive players such as Alexander Mogilny and Teemu Selanne have changed addresses this season, neither of them will be relocating to Washington anytime soon. Instead, the Caps have...Joé Juneau and Steve Konowalchuk. What's red, white, and blue and plays golf in April? The Washington Capitals.
The man who owns both squads, Pollin, has tried everything (except pay for talent) to try and change this sorry state of affairs. He took $1 million from USAir and renamed the Cap Centre the USAir Arena. The airline went bankrupt, the teams are still bad. Coincidence? I think not.
The Caps unveiled snazzy new uniforms and announced their readiness to take flight. In a couple of seasons the NBA team will adopt arguably the worst nickname in sports-the Wizards. He's even broken ground on an arena in downtown Washington to rejuvenate his oh-so-proud franchises. Hey, Abe, you may want to take a lesson from Peter Angelos a little ways up I-95. If you want to compete with the big boys, it takes talent, not uniform and name changes. Otherwise, your teams' chances will always be 3,366-to-1.
Andy Karch, BR '97, fares about as well as his home teams in lottery picks.
Copyright 1996, The Yale Herald, Inc. All rights reserved.
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