As you lay awake cringing and screaming and covering your ears thanks to the lovely melodies created for your ears by the unions-yes, that would be the "Mighty, mighty unions"-thoughts of Murder/Death/Kill (for those of you who are fans of Demolition Man) have probably sprung to mind. Sure, it's six in the morning, and the union band leaders should probably take their show to some soundproof room in Nebraska. But don't despair, for you are not the only people being harangued by the union orators; Rickard Levin arrives at his Woodbridge office at 6:00 a.m.
However, the ever-innovative Intramural office has taken steps to prepare you for battle by offering a number of new athletic contests based around Braveheart, the movie that allowed Mel Gibson to walk up on stage with two Oscars-yes, Mel, you could have left the other Oscar back at your seat; everybody knew it was yours because you had already engraved your name in it with your teeth. In case you haven't seen the movie yet, you may want to take a trip to Spectrum, so you can come to grips with the new events.
England typically employed hundreds of archers, who shot steel-tipped arrows into the masses of the opposing armies at the outset of a battle. As a result, we will offer the new sport of archery. Two Tyng points are given to each college for every megaphone that is picked off by a student's arrow. When aiming at a strike placard, the college receives points only if the arrow hits the five of Local 35.
I'm sure many of you have seen a student riding around Cross Campus on a horse. Well, that was Andy Karch '96, senior editor of The Yale Herald, prepping for the new sport of thoroughbred racing. He is a jockey for Branford's elite team and has been dieting to get down to 101 pounds by the middle of spring. Angel Cordero, Branford's fellow/manager, will take the reins for the Preakness and the Belmont Stakes.
But Braveheart would not be justly served if the sport ended right there. Angel and Karch ave also carry around a ball and chain as they ride. The horses have not been very happy about this, but this just goes to show how dedicated Branford is to keeping themselves out of the cellar.
However, the IM office has cautioned students not to follow Mel Gibson insofar as the ball and chain goes, for he did kill a man who was sleeping by smashing the mace ball into his face. This would be far too bloody and, again, there would be nobody to clean this up with the strike and all.
Having trouble getting into other colleges with the new key tags? No problem, thanks to IM battering ram practice. Towards the end of the month, we will begin competition by bull-rushing Sterling Chemistry Lab and Sloane Physics Lab. Not only will colleges earn Tyng points, but the students can petition the Administration to rebuild the buildings in the same zip code as the colleges. Morse College, in mid-season form, has been using the Lipstick to practice with, and the end has become smeared, greatly improving the aesthetics of the sculpture.
At this point I'd like to tell you about the terrific accomplishments of the Saybrugians, Branfordians, Sillimanders, and all the other colleges that have not graced our pages in a while. But frankly, I have no idea what they're doing, so maybe you can help me out. Send information by e-mail to morgadom@minerva or hook up to Herald at Commons 4.
Copyright 1996, The Yale Herald, Inc. All rights reserved.
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