Law student rewrites '90s rules of love

Seduction

Meeting a seduction expert is a daunting proposition. Yet Franklin Parlamis, LAW '97, seems like a typical Yale Law student. He's a former math major at Princeton who studies litigation and plans to join a law firm. He speaks Russian and loves Jimi Hendrix. He's friendly, outgoing, and honest. He's even happily married.

And that's the point. Parlamis's book, The Passive Man's Guide to Seduction, is aimed at everyone who's sick of the old dating stereotypes, who wants advice based on normal, intelligent, slightly awkward people. "Dorky guys are in," Parlamis told the Herald in a recent interview. "This book is about how to polish your dorkiness. Or, if you don't have dorkiness, how to get some."

The Seduction project was born two years ago, when Eric Weber of Symphony Press sought a follow-up for his book How to Pick Up Girls. This '70s dating guide had acquired a fervent following, which was the problem: so many men followed the book's advice that its lines began to sound like, well, lines. "The whole approach became so well-known that it started to lose its appeal." Weber sought a worthy successor to write a '90s guide, and Parlamis volunteered.

So, it was first-year law student by day, romance counselor by night--a combination Parlamis found fulfilling. He always hoped "to do something more artistic" than the typical student grind, and writing," gave me an outlet," he explained. Though Parlamis had written both short fiction and poetry (yes, love poetry) before, creating the Guide taught him how to write nonfiction for the mass market. "Everyone's got something to say," Parlamis said. "It's just a question of how to get it across."

Parlamis credits influences as varied as Lord of the Rings, It's A Wonderful Life, and Friends (David Schwimmer and Jimmy Stewart are prime examples of passive guys, and Tolkienesque chapter headings provide commentary on the advice to come). He did "field research" with friends. "I would see things they didn't like that men did," he said.

But Parlamis didn't follow previous guidebooks. "I think my approach is pretty contrary," he said. Many books are "a desperate-to-get-married woman's guide on how not to offend a man and scare him off." Instead, Parlamis' guide puts men in the passive role. The '90s sees "women taking more autonomous and assertive roles in a relationship," Parlamis said. "This has changed the way guys have to react--for the better."

Intelligence is now just as attractive as "active" traits. Parlamis finds this particularly applicable at Yale or Yale Law, traditional havens of intellectuals. "Men at Yale are intelligent," Parlamis said. "Hopefully this [book] will let them use that as an asset." Reaction from his peers at the Law School--both male and female--has been very positive. "They love the idea," he said. Friends offered help in both content and style.

The biggest help, though, was his wife (then fiancée), Jennifer Parlamis, a student of psychology at Columbia Teacher's College. Far from being offended or concerned at her husband writing a guide to seduction, she offered advice on the text and was "my most helpful critic," Parlamis said. The couple dated as far back as high school, and the facts of their relationship provided Parlamis with many of his theories.

Parlamis may be his own best student, but he's also the first to admit that passivity can be dangerous. Equality is fine, but "it's the differences between men and women that make things sexual," he said. In print and in person, Parlamis maneuvers the fine line between considerate and charming. His book helps other passive men do the same.