Romance 110a : Freshman Tutorial

As freshmen we sign up for Chem 115 or DS, unaware that the class for which many of us will do the most work garners us no academic credit.

I think this is wrong. Math and English are not the most important subjects we study at Yale, and the University should offer curricula which reflect our true interests. In light of this, I propose the following syllabus for what should be a core course:

Romance 110a, Freshman Tutorial. Staff. MTWThFSaSu 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. Prerequisite to the major. No previous relationships required.

Week 1: Introduction
Discuss the basics. Survey of physical characteristics.
Assignment: Discuss extensively with classmates.

Week 2: Logistics of Further Encountrance
Fields of study include screw-your-roommate dances, Durfee's, common-room couches.
Assignment: Napoleon, Military Strategics, pp. 1-459.

Week 3: Consummation
Required four-hour discussion section, to be followed by short, awkward kissing session. Implications of roommate dynamics.
Assignment: Submit short analysis of subject potential.

Week 4: "Can't we see other people too?"
Central problems in cross-gender worldviews.

Week 5: Going Steady
Exploration of phenomenon of handholding. Grooming one another. Anthropological implications.
Assignment: Romeo and Juliet. Practice floating.

Midterm paper on epistemology of illusions.

Week 6: "Why didn't you call?"
Avoidance mechanisms. Intensive study of dirt under nails. Themes in procrastination, with focus on sleeping in study carrels.
Whining Intensive section: Oral presentation due.
Assignment: Men Who Hate Women Who Hate Men Who Hate Women and the Women who Love Them. Submit personal reading response.

Week 7: Preference Exchange.
Developments in widely accepted theory of preference and affection exchange, a.k.a. "You liked me, now I like you."
Assignment: S.T. Retch, A Social History of Rubberbands.

Week 8: Techniques of Over-Analysis
Extensive practice with linguistic methods of self-scrutiny and relationship interpretation.
Assignment: Freud, The Psychopathology of Everyday Life.

Week 9: "We need to Talk."
Stretching exercises bringing foot to mouth. Psychology of catharsis.
Assignment: M.N.R., Reptiles.

Week 10: Topics in Female Bonding. Dissection of males.
Assignment: Review lab manual.

Week 11: Listening to music.
Repetition of musical forms. Emphasis on sentimental oldies and feminist empowerment '70s rock.
Assignment: Gaynor, I Will Survive.

Week 12: Sports metaphors
Special emphasis on basketball term "rebound."
Assignment: Wilt Chamberlain, Autobiography.

Week 13: Final Project
Get over it.