Mickey's morality lesson

By Cate Newsom

Disneyland is about to expel from its grounds a beast more dreaded than the Abominable Snowman: sex.

At last, officials at `The Happiest Place On Earth' are putting an end to the senseless ribaldry that contaminates The Pirates of the Caribbean. Taking advantage of the ride's temporary shutdown for technical modifications, highly-trained specialists will update the scenes of burning villages and animatronic pirates and townspeople to suit '90s sensibilities. Lustful animatronic marauders will no longer lunge after hapless animatronic townswomen; instead they will be lunging for the platters of food the female animatrons will be carrying.

It takes a highly-trained specialist to devise such a clever scheme for revamping those shocking scenes with such small-scale alterations. Who would have thought of replacing sex with food? Those who complained the "rape" chase-scenes were demeaning to women will be relieved to see that the female animatrons have been restored to their domestic capacity as food-bearers. In a few months, the decades of that pirate lust-nonsense will be completely forgotten, replaced by good old American gluttony. Visitors will begin to wonder if the pirates of the Caribbean haven't just been misunderstood. Maybe they weren't brutal at all--maybe they were just hungry.

As `The Happiest Place on Earth', Disneyland has a responsibility to keep things nice and clean. The park is, after all, a model of Hometown, America in its ideal state. Even though Disneyland may not reflect all the changes that have taken place in America in the decades since the park opened, it should showcase the latest trends in American values. Walt Disney's theme park may have opened in the '50s, but it need not cling to the widespread moral depravity that had swept the country in those dark years.

Park officials are justified in ridding Disneyland of this offensive, nostalgic baggage. In purifying Pirates, Disneyland is merely keeping up with the times. To be frank, in this climate of holier-than-thou media images, Disneyland was starting to look bad. While Disneyland was turning a blind eye to its lascivious pirates, the major television networks had introduced a self-imposed rating system to protect impressionable children from Danielle Steele made-for-TV movies. Even the film rating system expanded its NC-17 hex to restrict viewers not just under the age of 17, but through it. How much longer could the park conceal the dastardly influence Pirates of the Caribbean exerts over people with delicate sensibilities? Michael Jackson had a replica of Pirates built on his estate, and look what happened to him.

Disneyland officials should not hold the park's founder in contempt; Walt Disney was, after all, a product of his times. How could he have recognized the sinister forces that infiltrated and tainted the theme park of his dreams?

Of course, it will take a few more measures of good faith to save Disneyland from the den of vice it is fast becoming. Since there is as yet no ratings-guide for amusement park rides other than minimum height and health requirements, why not look to the Bible for some standards for judging where `The Happiest Place on Earth' becomes the Devil's Playground? It's a small world, after all. With lust defeated, there's only envy, avarice, sloth, pride, and wrath left to conquer. Oh, and gluttony. Wonder when the next repairs for Pirates are scheduled.

Back to Opinion...