Berkeley Intramurals

After spending a relaxed autumn lulling the intramural standing's supposed leaders into a false sense of security, Berkeley stands poised to explode from our strategically ideal 5th-place position in a classic Napoleonic mouvement sur les derrieres. Counting on "General Winter" to work in our favor (an improvement, of course, on the Napoleonic plan) we will crush the dazed and frost-bitten enemy with a basic pincer movement. Since the success of such an operation is contingent upon the superior speed, coordination, and general quality of the troops involved, we plan to delegate this key attack to our two squash teams. Despite their undefeated record and role as deadly pincers, this commentator declines to wield any clever bon mots involving the verb form of their noble sport and our intended treatment of the foe.

In short, men's squash, led by Col. Raj Alla DFC '97 and Gen. Andrew Gurman VC '98, and women's squash, captained by Com. Happy Bowen, OBE, '97, are both undefeated. One might expect this from the defending champions (two-time, in the men's case) but our winter shock troops--much like the Finnish ski infantry in the winter of 1940 or the cossack hordes in that disastrous winter retreat from Moscow--are not the sort to rest on their laurels. The men's team, anchored by veteran campaigners and junker nobility Evan Hughes '98, Clint Monson '99, and Andy "the hammer" Katzman '97, is bolstered by the freshmen regiments of Hank Chong '00 and Andy Woglom '00. The women's title defense stands to be even more dependent on youth, with a fine crop of plebes and yearlings leading the charge, among them Ji-Young Sohn '99, Dawn Hirokawa '99, Anne Taylor '00, Laura Kimberly '99, Carrie Trowbridge '99, Sonushya Mathai '99, and Jessica Buturla '00.

Taking a page from Hannibal's crushing victory at the battle of Cannae, BK grand strategy, while heavily dependent on the success of the great squash flanking movements, relies on strong opposition from less mobile but hard-hitting troops in the center. Men's volleyball, also the defending champion, has recently established itself with a victory in a major engagement with the previously undefeated Stilesian regiment at the first battle of Payne Whitney. Posting a 2-2 record, the volleyball division relies on superb integration of forces, engineered by Gen. Gurman and Maj. Manuel Cordero, DSC, '98. Effective setting by Michael Von Choo '98, and Tom Von Kim '99, solid hitting from Garrett von Weinberg '00, Maj. Cordero, Gen. Gurman, and Sean Von Bert and tenacious defense by Von Choo and James Von Tong '97 anchor the line up, and are backed up by Dave Von Dashefsky '97, Web Von McBride '99, Danny Von Huynh '00, Andy Von Sinton '00, and Cory Von Gaffney '99. Much blood will be shed in the no man's land over the net. Two eyes for an eye!

(Compiled by Helmut Von Moltke and the Prussian General Staff)

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