Branford Intramurals

The year was 1940 and war was raging in the West. The men's volleyball squad had won eight of their last 10 battles, and Captain/British Prime Minister Mihira "Churchill" Jayasekera '99 was leading his troops into the Battle of Britain, the decisive contest against TD, a little-known member of the Axis. "Upon this battle depends the survival of Christian Civilization," Jayasekera cried. "Let us...so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will say, this was their finest hour." Unfortunately, in a turn of events generally overlooked by historians, our soldiers succumbed to the intellectually inferior but hormonally-enhanced enemy and slid into "second." A protest, filed on the grounds that "nobody wins a war," is still pending. Nonetheless, the gratitude of an entire nation goes out to the members of the volley-batallion, especially Loren "Yossarian" Stewart '99, Christiaan" esthetize them!" Vorkink '99, Patrick Bar"acuda"eiss '99, and Collins "How did my name get so many capital letters in it?" MBA-Jonas '99. Boys, you made us proud.

Soon after the war, Branford, then a small city in Wales, seceded from Britain to continue its military exploits as a small, politically independent territory in North America. Some notable performances: Caron "Colonel" Kim '00 led her division, which included players too numerous to fit on this page (or on the court), to the most successful women's basketball season in Branford IM history. Commenting on the season, the Colonel remarked cryptically that "teaching a child not to step on a caterpillar is as valuable to the child as it is to the caterpillar." Mike "Battle of" Ver "-sailles" millon '99, Chris "Battle of" Bu-"ll Run" rke '99, and Tom Pal-"ypenesian War" kot '99 guided the men's squash team to an admirable 6-4-1 finish. Men's a-hoops finished with a solid 5-5 performance; thanks go out to captain Nilswarga '97, Danny "Heart of " Goldman '98, Christiaan Vor-"God, Vor Country and Vor Yale" kink '99, and John "I have too many names alreddie" Foster-Keddie '00. Martha "Who let the cat out of the" Bagnall '00, captain of the women's volleyball team and faithful squash participant, wins the much-coveted Purple Heart/Freshman of the Winter award for her undying loyalty to BR IM's.

In other news, all the Branfordian troops who braved the cold, harsh winter battle conditions are happily preparing to storm the spring playing fields. The enemy should beware, for this squadron takes no prisoners. But perhaps the realization that victory cannot be achieved through bloodshed has dawned on the hard, fighter hearts--inside sources have leaked Branford's kinder, gentler intramural motto for the spring: "When you give, give with joy and smiling." Oh, just kidding. Kill!

(Compiled by a disgruntled student dining hall worker who likes to complain about being oppressed--oops, wrong publication.)

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