...only if you're a lower life form

BY KAY TIDWELL

If you've spent any time in Connecticut, you already know all too well that what I say is true: the East Coast is an aberration, a defect, an anomaly. It is an evolutionary mistake, and a very strong indication that evolutionary divergence may create significantly mutated group of individuals. While the West Coast is home to highly evolved humans with the capacity to build perpendicular roadways with left-turn signals, weave lanes, 75 m.p.h. speed limits, and exits with names instead of numbers, the East, due to its reduced cognitive capacity, is still trying to figure out how to drive on two-way streets, and to build freeways without toll booths every 20 miles. They don't understand why building one Subway right next to another is not economically efficient.

But what is truly amusing is not their low mental capacity, but their apparent ignorance of it. Not only are they seemingly unaware of their inferiority, but they are convinced of their superiority! This salient aspect of their existence leads me to term the East Coast a giant mucosal membrane, in which all members of the East Coast specie are known as "snots." There is a very big snot who lives in close proximity with me. In fact, she shares my bathroom--only one would think it were her bathroom exclusively, because everytime she enters and sees anyone else, she immediately turns her back to them and makes gagging noises. At first I thought it was protocol and perhaps a form of greeting, but upon further observance of the snot I realized, much to my dismay, that it was a hostile reaction to non-snots.

It turns out that Connecticut, one of the "New England States," is also home to another variety of the diverging species of humans, called the "freak." Connecticut is the world's largest freak show. Don't drink the water, and don't breathe the air. Last week on a Connecticut Transit bus I sat behind a female who was balding and had a goiter. In reference to the goiter, she called it an "accessory."

The East Coast species is also naîvely proud of its political accomplishments. And certainly, one cannot deny that most everything political began here. But why is it then, that while California's initiatives in the last election concerned such consequential items as Proposition 187, legalizing marijuana, and affirmative action, to name a few, Connecticut was debating whether or not to give Aldermen a $100 raise.

One has to wonder why this side of the country, over 200 years older than the West side, has fallen behind the rest of the nation. They've had 200 years to get ahead, but it seems they've lagged behind from the beginning. Perhaps the lack of sunshine has impeded growth here. Instead of growing, the East sits in a stagnating pool of sewer water--molding, decaying, putrefying, and curdling. The only thing that really grows here are maggots.

Which brings me to the topic of the weather. It sucks. The Easterner knows it will not get much warmer than 30 degrees all year round, which explains their wearing of shorts on days when there's wind chill of 10 below. And what about the "changing of the seasons" that is supposed to be so remarkable here? Excuse me, but I'd rather live in a warm climate all year long than experience 364 shitty days just to watch the weather change to one "nice" day.

In closing I would like to say, to those of you who still believe in the East Coast: What are you smoking?

Kay Tidwell, a sophomore in Ezra Stiles, will be blissfully laying in the Southern California sunshine over break.

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