Fightin' Words

The World According to Carp
    By Benjamin Carp

We're all too civil at this school. The closest our blood ever gets to boiling is the exhilaration of finishing a paper or lab report. We don't talk enough trash. There's never enough seething anger and hatred. Hate thy neighbor, I say, because getting along is getting dull.

Now, you ask, what kind of anti-Lennonist, Dark-Side-of-the-Force, Cobra-Commander sort of philosophy is that?

Actually, my suggestion does fit in with Western traditions, but more along the lines of Adam Smith, who said, roughly, "The more competition, the better." Rivalry, which is a form of good-natured hatred, is a positive thing for our society here at Yale to have. It makes us stronger. "You should have eyes that always seek an enemy," Neitzsche wrote. "It is the good war that hallows any cause. War and courage have accomplished more great things than love of the neighbor."

Let's take his word for it and explore the possibilities--the residential college system, for example. Wouldn't it be great if we really fostered some deep-seeded hatred for the other residential colleges? Think of how much more exciting Yale football games, Tang and IMs would be. Wouldn't you play harder just to have the satisfaction of seeing that whining jerk from Berkeley get buried? Don't just throw food at the Saybrugians during the strip--throw hand grenades at those wuss-bunnies! If you're in Calhoun and you want to protect the purity of your dining hall, then don't just stop at your current level of rudeness and arrogance (and don't think we haven't noticed)--kick those damn transfer students right out! And if anyone tries to get an inter-residential college relationship going, we should make like the Montagues and Capulets. Revoke universal access! Fill the moats with boiling oil! Whoever steals the most college flags wins.

Despite the fact that we were all ostensibly placed by random selection, I firmly believe that fate put me and my classmates in Trumbull because we are superior people, and therefore deserve a superior dean, master, dining hall, location, and mascot. From now on, we're keeping our salad bar to ourselves. I spit on you weirdo Branfordians, Plutonian TDers, self-serving Piersonites, and especially you ugly, angular Morsels and Stilesians.

Clubs (including publications) are another good example. The Herald has been dormant for a while in its harsh treatment of the YDN (we've left most of the journalistic criticisms up to Rumpus), but the time has come for Yale's cooler and more laid-back publication to speak out against those stuffy, misquoting losers. As a columnist I feel it is my sacred duty to take on the saps in their opinion section. Itamar Moses, I'll meet you at the top of Bingham tower at dawn. Your days of inspid rambling are over. Any person who would stoop low enough to write a column about column-writing deserves many visible scars if I have anything to say about it. More club rivalry! I want to see Habitat for Humanity secede from Dwight Hall. I want the singing groups to pack heat at Tap Night. I want to see baseball bats incorporated into the parliamentary procedure of the YPU.

I want to see the History Department storm American Studies and take over their offices for bookshelf space. I say we block off Prospect and keep the Group IV majors where they are. Revolt against your TA! Hold the Law School students hostage until they let us use their library at will! The era of arbitrary discrimination has taken an inward turn! Why stop at the other Ivies when we can foster plenty of enmity on our own campus?

Somewhere the guardians of good journalism are shaking their fingers at my attempts to incite to riot. Somewhere, Yale students are taking this column seriously, and are shocked and horrified at the chaos I am stirring.

I say we should kill them too.

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