Radio Daze: Mom's Wrath Live

Sex and torture. Through all the anxiety-influenced twists and turns of the Western tradition, these two themes have never failed to please (they got you to read this article, anyway). And despite (or perhaps because of) the judgmental Christian moralizing of 770 WABC radio's "Dr. Laura," her listeners still snort up enough titillation to put fire in even Harold Bloom's Buddha-belly.

Here's the premise: people call the Doctor and tell her what they think their problems are. She tells them what their problems really are. Finally, she gives them some archaic, Apollonian advice: You must change your life.

Her admittedly simple syllogism is this: God exists (Dr. Laura is a religious Jew). Therefore, everyone must act in accordance with his or her chosen religion. Therefore, everyone must act morally all the time. Therefore, no one may have sex except within the bonds of marriage (the masochism's just beginning!). No one may ever get divorced. Children are more important than anything else in one's life, because, (surprise, surprise!) they represent the future.

Seem simplistic? Seem boring? Hell yes! I'd rather sit in synagogue/church/temple/
mosque/shrine/cult and get some credit with the Big Guy(s) (and/or) Gal(s), you say. You were right, you say, this is torture! The fact is, though, no one (at least no one intelligent enough to read the Herald) listens to Doctor Laura for the advice. No one needs to learn that teen or kinky sex gives God the willies. The show doesn't instruct as much as it entertains.

As I write this, for example, I'm listening to the show:

Dr. Laura: Jill, welcome to the program.

Caller: I love your show, Dr. Laura. It's changed my life. Um... I'm a little nervous. Okay. I have Herpes A and B, and I was just wondering if I should tell my boyfriend of two weeks. We've been having sex, and using condoms, and all, but I'm afraid I might give it to him.

DL: You're despicable. I can't believe you've been screwing around with some guy you've only known for a week.

C: What about the condoms?

DL: It doesn't work. The penis goes into the vagina, and it rubs all around in there, and some of the herpes can come off. Even if it's in remission. And what do you think your boyfriend thinks of you? Any guy who thinks you're anything but a slut is wrong. You have to think about having kids eventually. You have to think about your boyfriend's life even though he obviously doesn't think about it for himself. You need to get some integrity...tell your boyfriend to go to the doctor right away.

C: But I'm a little embarrassed.

DL: Look, this isn't about your reputation or your stimulation. It's about honor, something you lack completely.

In the end, you don't hear, "Be a good Jew/Christian/Buddhist/Muslim/Shintoist/Satan Worshipper." You hear, "Sex...teen sex...orgasm...you're a horrible person." You hear other people's sordid sexual adventures, and then you hear an Oedipal voice yell at them about it. You can actually rub up against the repression! The good Doctor brings back something our parents smoked at Woodstock: the illicit. It's like a Sex family reunion; Masochism,Sadism, Guilt, Treachery, Voyeurism--they're all there in a gigantic group hug. And they're all pilloried for your enjoyment on the "Doctor Laura" show.

Dr. Laura fills the airwaves five days a week from 1 to 4 p.m.

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