Calhoun

The demise of soccer season marks the beginning of screw season. With that in mind, we'd like to take a moment to mention some of the more eligible and/or spoken-for bachelors of the Calhoun intramural program. Linebacker and tight end Ethan "E-Dog" Campbell '98 challenges all comers next Saturday to figure out what the "E" stands for. Out in the flat, Andrew "will" Healy "your love pangs" '98 must be related to God Shammgod, because when we threw up a Hail Mary, God answered our prayer with a huge dose of Healzky.

On the next play, Adrian "I could make Wendy" Thomas "hungry" '98 came back and purloined the ball and the game from the heart of the Inferno. In the backfield, Jared "All-County/All-State/Alstott" will rumble, bumble, and tumble into your heart, but he won't tell you about it until Game 13. The Screw is not about finding people who will make divine dance partners, nor is it about finding two people who will share the gift of gab; instead, we Hounies try to find ways to create the pitter patter of little feet. Therefore, we look to the lawn and explore our volleyball men. Blocking up front is Jacob "Michaelangelo could not have made a more perfect physical specimen had he made me out of" Wouden '99. Trojan warrior and Captain Jason "Yes, that is a" File "in my pocket" '98, unearthed our lawn volleyball talent and made us championship contenders. Matthew Gol-"I will invite you to my"-den-"after a night of square dancing"-berg '99 will spike the punch, and Mark "I modeled for" Del-"Computers in their Cybersex games"-gado '98 will bump and grind all night long.

But, the dance floor will also be filled with our numerous talented and aggressive female intramural stars, who have also scored in their day (we're talking soccer and v-ball here, folks). Gwyn "I come adorned with" Welles "and Whistles" '00 starred up front for the BK-CC soccer legends all season. Jessica "Men give me a T" Ip "just to see me serve" '00 loved to make sure that a woman always hit the ball at least once before it went over. Calhoun just picked up these froshies' major league contracts this year, but Grace "I am a better blocker than Tree" Rollins '01 has constantly been setting (people up) all year.

(Compiled by Napoleon's teammate Bernie Williams, who knows that his look-alike, Jerk '98 played the part of Ogre '98 when he played Stiles.)

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