Clinton & Co. top the Nielsons

The Road Goes Ever On
    By Rob Huelin

Sitting in my room at 6 a.m., struggling to stay focused on my seminar paper, I was comforted by the familiar strains of the Imus in the Morning program on WFAN, 660 AM.

For those unfamiliar with the show, it consists largely of Don Imus, one of the originators of obnoxious morning radio, bantering with his staffers about politics, sports and life in general. A listener might hear commentary from "Dick Nixon," "Bubba Clinton," or "Mike Tyson," all exaggerated for satiric effect. Imus himself tends to be fairly liberal, but woe on those who act like fools. The I-man willingly ridicules and berates anyone who irritates him--from violent basketball players to greedy businessmen and stupid employees, to the U.S. Senators who call the show from time to time.

This particular morning, the theme of the day was Janet Reno (her radio alter-ego is General "John" Janet Reno). The Attorney General had just announced that she would ignore the request of FBI director William Freeh to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate the White House. Imus spent much of the morning bashing her for being stupid and ridiculing the Republicans for trying to drag out the entire mess. It was pretty funny, but what really woke me up was a song by "Chubby Bubba" entitled "Tubbythumping." Set to the music of the popular "Tubthumping," the tune contained lines like "Crooked land deal/ crooked penis deal/ Charlie Trie deal/ Johnny Huang deal./ Finding evidence in my private library/ Selling overnights in the Lincoln bedroom...."

I laughed myself into consciousness and finished my paper, timing my progress with the song, which played regularly every hour. It wasn't until later, when I read The New York Times, that the song really sank in. More than any public figure in recent memory, Bill Clinton has become a caricature of himself. It used to be that people would defend him from attack or try to justify his actions. But nobody does that anymore. Clinton has become The President As Entertainment--a fast-talking huckster who lives to pull one crazy stunt after another and then slink out of the mess he created to the sounds of a laugh track.

Most horrifying of all was a comment made by Mike McCurry. "Just get used to it," he told reporters. When I wrote a column earlier this year calling for Chubby Bubba's impeachment, I talked about how this President took neither his office nor the people of the U.S. seriously. I also talked about how dangerous this was, how bad for the nation's health such a shallow character could be. Now, McCurry has shown me the errror of my ways. I shouldn't worry; I should just get used to it. Get accustomed to the shallow, self-serving, cynical drivel and embrace it.

What I failed to realize in my earlier column was that nobody is fooled. There's no danger from Bill Clinton. He doesn't abuse power--hell, he doesn't have any. In his quest to earn a paragraph or to be in high school history books, Clinton has managed to write a blueprint for being an effective figurehead. Without respect, without support and without anything to say, Clinton has realized that his best bet for immortality is to continue doing what has worked until now. Commit some crimes, insult the integrity of the law and then read the headlines and watch the uproar. Why worry? Nobody takes this stuff seriously, so why should he?

Clinton has clearly realized what I failed to understand. The President isn't there to govern or lead--he is there to be supportive and inspiring. Clinton exists to make us laugh. Even better, he makes each one of us look at our families and our future jobs and the interesting things we do now and give a little prayer of thanks. I mean, in comparison to Clinton and his band of merry fools, every one of us is happy and self-supporting, confident and competent.

So in this season of reflection and thanksgiving, I have a new proposal. Let's give thanks for Chubby Bubba, Boring Al, General Reno and the gang. Every day they show us how decent and moral we really are and how much good we have going for us. Don't worry about the country--Clinton won't screw it up, he just wants to play with it for awhile. I can't think of a better time than Christmas to laugh while little Bubba plays with his toy. Like good parents, we'll keep him from breaking it, and our video recordings will keep us laughing for years to come. In fact, I like the Bubba Show so much, I want to commission a sequel.

We'll call it Rocky Top, about a hypocrite and a crusader with great posture. Watch as they dance with dolphins and feast with monks. Laugh as loyal operatives are placed in important positions and then get caught stealing money. Cry when a rapper wins a Grammy. Plus the wacky adventures in store when Al meets the Congress. And that's just the pilot episode! Sounds like a great show to me. Sorry if you don't agree. I guess you'll just have to get used to it.

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