UDS—a first-class cruise to Pleasure Island

The World According to Carp
    By Benjamin Carp

Your average, normal Yalie wants two things out of his or her college experience--a job and a date (otherwise known as money and sex). Yale provides us with assistance in attaining the first aim--the up-and-coming Undergraduate Career Services has benefitted from renovations and new staff. So I think it's time to open an office that addresses our more immediate concern, just as soon as President Levin allocates a building and employees.

Introducing Undergraduate Dating Services. Yale's Student AIDS Educators are experts at telling freshmen how to put a condom on Pinocchio's "woody," but no one (so far) has provided Yale's young Gepettos with an appropriate and working map to "get to Pleasure Island with the real boy," so to speak.

Mother Yale doesn't expect you to fend for yourself for meals, health care, computing assistance, career information, or much of anything else. So as Yale begins codifying its policies about sex (for instance, forbidding it with your professors and TAs), UDS won't leave you stranded in Monstro's stomach without a little sneeze to help you along the way. Just give a little whistle, and Jiminy Cricket will be there to provide helpful and discreet advice about how to find that special someone, with time to spare before Valentine's Day.

Our handy annual manual, complete with witty Doonesbury comics and smooth graphic design, will contain an abundance of useful information for dateless Yalies. We know that you may feel lost on such a big campus, where everyone seems brilliant but no one appears particularly good-looking. We understand that you may feel shy, picky, frightened, scarred, or obsessive about your work. We hear your stereo loudly expressing your feelings with such ballads as Queen's "Somebody to Love," Celine Dion's "All By Myself" and the Divinyls' "I Touch Myself."

You may know plenty of charismatic, stable, and even attractive people who find themselves dateless for reasons that are seemingly inexplicable--you may be such a person yourself. Undergraduate Dating Services hopes to reach out to more than just the dorky and uninitiated--it aims to reach out to all the temporary loners who believe that their romantic life is not all that it should be. No matter what Disney tells you, you need not resort to wishing upon a star.

We will have a resource library of residential college facebooks and past issues of the Old Campus. Our catalogs, with up-to-date, flattering photos, will be indexed in a number of ways--by first and last name, residential college and class, hometown, secondary school, hair color, eye color, music preferences, and whether the person in question is "taken" or fair game (although many on our staff adhere to the motto, "Just because there's a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score"). Can't remember the name of that cute Southern boy? Come straight to UDS between 7 p.m. and 2 a.m. on weeknights and our peer advisors will be happy to help you find his phone number. In a few months, these services and more will be available at our website (http://www.yale.edu/uds/).

Our diagnostic tests will help you decide which type of person may be best for you. Our "yenta" division will host an on-campus dating program to process and circulate résumés and give you advice on networking. We will even award fellowships for particularly qualified applicants.

UDS will hold counseling hours and workshops, and will be able to refer you to experts with tips on improving your fashion sense, dancing ability, drinking capacity, and personality problems. We give gentle advice to steer away from the dreaded dating faux pas, such as a female senior dating a male freshman, or any relationship in which the woman has a distinct height advantage. We have firmly resolved to fight long distance frustration, stalking, and shitbaggery in all its forms. We can give you rejection tactics when Mr. Wrong keeps pestering you with phone calls. No more misunderstood signals and callous heartbreak! The age of communication is upon us, and potential couples dare not fall behind!

BRIAN CARP/YH

Our most important service will be the videotaping of practice telephone calls and coffee dates. We will instruct you on how to control your nervousness, provide examples of questions asked by a first date, and give you a list of phrases you should and shouldn't use. Our researchers will provide helpful hints about making eye contact, the appropriate level of chivalry, how many days you should wait before calling, and avoiding conversation about politics, previous relationships, and anything relating to Group IV.

Yes, we expect to close during vacations, but don't despair. We acknowledge that summer flings will provide important experience and contacts for future relationships. Thus we intend to network with other universities and provide binders with information about the dating in all 50 states, Canada, and several other foreign countries.

There will be snags in our operation, of course. We will probably be forced to hire extra staff before the 13 screw nights and other traditional "date" events. Our liberal policy about sexual preference and our referrals to nutritionists are bound to stir controversy. But we firmly believe that Yalies will benefit from our services, and that more undergraduates will be spending their nights smooching on common room couches instead of crouching in dimly lit computer clusters.

Your education on Friday and Saturday nights is just as important as weekday learning--Yale's young Gepettos must be able to thrive in all social circumstances. And so with our advice, we expect that Yalies, as Darwin's fittest, will go on to successfully propogate the species (if heterosexual) and create beneficial romantic ties to other successful people throughout the world. As you walk out the doors of UDS, we will wish you the best of success as a weekend romancer. We know it's ugly out there, but we also know that you can prevail.

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