Radio daze with New Haven's kookiest station

Now that the mallternative world has escaped its underground dungeons and sneezed at the sun of the mainstream, it's time for America to rediscover radio, the original medium of alterity. And WELI 960 AM, New Haven's all-talk-station, is the most alternative in its class. Just listen to the irony that's dripping from their promotional message: "It's raining in New Jersey? Now that's important. Your first choice for the shoreline's weather is the new W...E...L...I..." Despite the apparent provincialism, though, WELI's coverage ranges beyond New Haven's overcast skies. The station has the programming to fill any Yalie's distributional requirements.

Group IV: year's supply of food in a box. If, like many of your classmates, you're sick of people who spent ten years in higher education and seem to have missed Fun 101, 960 is the frequency for you. Not only does the station have someone with a Ph. D. who believes that the Aztecs were colonists from Atlantis, that those Atlanteans have since moved underground and now control world events, and that the Northern Lights establish these claims, but he holds class at the perfect time: 2 a.m. to 5 a.m. You don't have to take notes, you don't have to pay much attention, and you don't have to participate (though you can.) All you have to do is listen and learn on Coast to Coast with Art Bell. Art is happy to discuss his book, The Quickening, which explains how space-time is compressing and Armageddon is imminent. Along with this theory, he hawks apocalyptic goods like the Eagle brand's "year's supply of food in a box," which makes a "great gift as well." Pessimistically (and alarmingly) enough, its maker only intends the box to last in storage for ten years. If the world does end by 2007, I'm sure you'll wish you had one of these to go with that East Coast education. Whether Art's doom-saying is justified, though, I'll leave up to my colleagues on Science Hill.

Group III: contrarian caning. But for those of you who aren't Group IV majors like Art, there's still plenty to hear on WELI. If you're a Group III major, you'll probably be interested in Kevin Skiest's show, The People's Advocate. Kevin's a virulent democratist, suspicious of the government, afraid of both major political parties, decidedly independent (if you can be decidedly undecided), and an incredible contrarian. He only knows that he hates "liberals" and what they've done to the country. Which is understandable. Liberals, after all, don't believe in education, racial equality, economic opportunity, or criminal prosecution, according to Kevin. Mainly, their machine politics get in the way of sensible policies, like caning. Ironically, Skiest himself bought time from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. Monday through Thursday so he could air his political frustrations. Still, his political advice is both keen and simple: vote for anyone except the incumbent. His hatred of Mayor John DeStefano is based on observations that "nothing's happening" and that many of the lawns in New Haven's neighborhoods are in need of a trim.

Group II: cabinets, cabinets, cabinets. For those of you who really do care about the aesthetics of grass, namely Group II majors, I'm sure you'll be happy with your options. For instance, if you're among the hordes clamoring for History of Art 335b, American Furniture, 1600 to the Present, there's The Cabinet Guy with Rob Young, Mondays at 8 p.m. If you're like I was, you probably don't believe it's possible to talk about cabinets for two hours at a stretch, but, and this is the amazing part...it is. Rob always spices up the show with exciting guests from the cabinet world, and with contests like the $2,000 cabinet giveaway to the person with the worst cabinets in New Haven. According to Rob, the cabinets that won were really interesting; he was sorry that we in the listening audience couldn't see them. His descriptive powers, however, would wow any Comp Lit-ter.

Group I: literary license and radical health. Speaking of which, if you're that type, you'll love True Health with Dr. Richard Karpenos. This isn't really because you'd be interested in True Health more than anyone else, but because Dr. Richard isn't either. Offering the most transcendental in contemporary chi-ropractic, the doctor posits the revolutionary theory that health is attainable only through $80-an-hour sessions with his assistants. He's also happy to recommend drugs like ginseng and eye-of-newt for all your bowel disorders. Personally, I've never felt better since I tuned in and started actually eating the dining hall salad bar's eye-of-newt (it's in the lettuce, if you were wondering).

Wherever your interests lie, though, WELI is worth your time, even if just to transport you from beyond the Ivy to the world outside--in some cases way outside. Of course the station offers even more exciting shows, and it's on 24 hours a day. It's more fun than the entire Yale Physics department. It will annoy the hell out of your roommate. Talk radio is back, my friends.

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