Coming soon to a stadium near you

I was entering hostile territory. I knew the scene at Foxboro wouldn't be pretty, yet I donned my No. 87 Tom Waddle jersey with pride and set out to cheer on my 0-3 Chicago Bears as they challenged the defending AFC champion New England Patriots on Sun., Sept 21. Though I knew the Bears were in for a sure football lesson, I remained undeterred in my mission to be a loud and supportive member of the Bear faithful in a sea of Patriot fanatics. But while the Bears learned their lesson, I learned one too: Pats fans have no class.

With my buddy Homer behind the wheel, we pulled into the parking lot about 20 minutes before game time, only to be greeted by a line of cars longer than the one at the inspection station of your local DMV. Luckily, I could spot another desperate Bear fan in the car directly behind us, and we held our caps outside the car windows in a simultaneous display of Bear bonding and male idiocy. That's the one great thing about going into a stadium as a fan of the opposing team: you will never develop faster friendships anywhere. Every fan seems compelled to be part of a collective support unit, and is always quick to invite you over to their tailgates.

Quick aside: Who the hell designed the Foxboro Stadium parking lot? I can see the planners' discussion now:

Planner 1: Well, the stadium lot should probably hold about 40,000 cars. What do you think of one entrance/exit for all of them?

Planner 2: What? OK, whatever. Let's go grab a beer.

After shelling out $15 for parking, I could immediately sense it would not be a pleasant afternoon. The razzing started almost immediately, with every Patriot fan seeing fit to point at the car and stare in amazement at someone stupid enough to wear a Bears jersey to Foxboro.

We passed the section marked `RV Camper Parking' and saw a kid of about 15 years and no more IQ points holding a sign reading `Keep the Pats in Foxboro.' He sat on a railing staring out into space, and was brought to life when he spotted the enemy's car. "Go home Beah fan!" he yelled. "Beahs suck! Beahs suck!" Obviously, this kid's attendance record at games is much better than it is at school.

Homer had to park the car so far away from the front gate, Forrest Gump couldn't have reached it in a dead sprint. Regardless, we started our trek to the stadium, easily outpacing the hordes of fans wearing those helmets with beer cans on each side. Upon seeing the back of my jersey (and in an amazing display of literacy), one extremely large P-Men fan exclaimed, "Waddle! Uhhh, the Beahs are gonna waddle and then fall down! Huh, huh, huh." Frankly, I was amazed that in a former whaling community such as Foxboro, this fat-ass hadn't been harpooned years ago.

We finally reached the main gate, and before presenting our tickets, we were promptly frisked. Well, that was a pleasant experience. It's not exactly the most comforting feeling in the world to know that the home team fears weaponry in its own stadium.

But I guess all of this trouble is to be expected, and, in some small way, welcomed. It's such belligerent enthusiasm that makes going to live sporting events so great, and that encourages out-of-town fans to wear their colors in such hostile territory. If nothing else, I became the center of attention for Pats fans, and provided them with an opportunity to laugh at my expense. Furthermore, the respectful glances I received from fellow Bears fans (one guy had on a Bryan Cox jersey; now that's guts) helped me feel part of a small yet steadfastly supportive group.

As for the game itself...I...um don't remember the final score. I think we left early or something. (Editor's note: The Patriots won 31-3.) All I remember is that the Bears had three times as many penalties as points. So, at least I didn't have to get pelted with beer cans while standing up and cheering for my team--which happened a few years ago when I cheered the Bears on against the Jets in New Jersey. But we all know how those Jersey crowds are.

Chicago travels to Dallas this week, and let's just say their chances don't look good. But there'll be a smattering of Bear jerseys in the nose-bleed sections of Irving Stadium--and the Cowboy coaches and players will join the fans in the pre-game frisk.

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