CRISTINA SOSA/YH

'Diff'rent Strokes' for diff'rent folks: vote Coleman

You may remember Gary Coleman as the wunderkind who masterfully portrayed Arnold Drummond on the hit '80s sitcom, Diff'rent Strokes. Gary Coleman, who asked Willis, who asked Mr. Drummond, and who even asked Nancy Reagan herself, "Whatchou talkin' about?" Gary Coleman, whose unique perspective on life allows him to know when people really don't know what they're talking about. And Gary Coleman, who has the guts to call them on it.

If you can't believe that superstar Coleman would actually have the time to run our country in between his celeb-engagements, just check out his recording on the Gary Coleman Web-a-Thon website, webathon.ugo.com: "I ask all of my fans that want more out of Hollywood to help me return into your homes and your hearts." I, for one, would much rather have Coleman in the White House than in my house. And, if you've heard about Coleman's auction of such Coleman-collectibles as his shirt and his bowling shoes, you'll know that Coleman could use a little bit of extra cash.

Coleman would take to the political scene like freshmen to a keg of cheap beer. He knows division, coming from the racially-charged Drummond household. And he would have the same tough, no-nonsense approach to politics that he used in dealing with his big brother Willis. Imagine Bush trying to hedge about how he would save social security. Then imagine Coleman exploding with the powerful ejaculation, "Whatchou talkin' about, George W. Bush?" And George W., shamefaced, would have to concede the point. Or, should some peppy, overachieving journalist question him on some scandal, some affair she made up in her deluded imagination, his disdaining response—"Whatchou talkin' about, Willis?"—would destroy her self-esteem and career. The next question she would ask would be "Do you want fries with that?" even if her name wasn't really Willis.

Of course, Coleman's prowess would extend beyond his revelations. As president, Coleman would salve all our woes with the ease of George W. offending his core constituency. Should Russian President Vladimir Putin deny Russian atrocities in Chechnya, Coleman would confront him with the bold accusation, "Whatchou talkin' about, Putin?" And Putin would be forced to admit that he did not, indeed, know what he was talking about, and the Russians would pull out of Chechnya, and the world would rejoice. Or, should racist demagogue Al Sharpton try to spark more anti-Semitism, Coleman would ask Sharpton what he was talking about. And Sharpton would step down, and spend the rest of his life cleaning the walls of New York's synagogues.

Additionally, Coleman also is the closest thing Washington would have to a saint. A renowned virgin, Coleman would be free from the scandal-ridden politics of the Clinton administration simply because no woman would actually want to "sample the goods." And Coleman demonstrated his love for humanity when, as Arnold on Diff'rent Strokes, he saved Willis' life. "But!" you might object, "Arnold and Gary are totally different—Arnold was a scripted character on a television show!" To which I reply, "Whatchou talkin' about, Willises?"

Steve Fishbach is a senior in Berkeley.

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