From schmuck to Sauvignon sipper

Ordering wine at a restaurant can be a daunting experience. If the wine list falls in your seemingly incapable hands, what do you pick? Order the wrong wine and everyone will think you're a schmuck. If you're on a date, you sure don't want to look like a schmuck. If you're with a group of friends or colleagues, you also don't want to look like a schmuck. If you're with your history professor's wife, that's pretty cool.

BRIAN CARP/YH

But even if you are the Prince of Putzdom when it comes to wine, you don't have to look like you were born in the Prick Palace; here's a few helpful tips.

1. Red or White. Choose one. If you're with a small group, you may be able to choose solely based on the food people are ordering. In general, red goes well with things that are red: most meats, chicken, some fish (like tuna steak), and meaty pastas; white works best with other whites, such as fish, chicken, and light pasta courses. These guidelines are extremely flexible, and most important is what you're in the mood to drink.

2. Once you've picked your color, pick a varietal. If you're going with the red, some recommended varietals are: Pinot Noir (medium-bodied, delicate; Burgundy in France), Cabernet (full-bodied, powerful flavors; best with steak), Syrah/Shiraz ("jammy" and easy to drink; often Australian), and Zinfandel (dark, spicy, and rich; not to be confused with its sub-par white and blush cousins). I'm not as big a fan of white, but Sauvignon Blanc and Chardonnay from California and France are both excellent food wines. When in any doubt, skip to Step 4.

3. Now that you've narrowed it down, there's still another crucial hurdle: choosing the bottle. At some restaurants, steps one and two make the choice for you: you decide on Cabernet, there are two on the list, you choose the one that's not $65. But most quality restaurants pride themselves on selection, so you'll have to work a bit harder. Figure out your price range and see where that leaves you. Keep in mind that often there are great values on the cheaper end of the list. Don't break the bank: the100 to 200 percent mark-up means that a $150 Bordeaux on the wine list could very well cost $60 at the store—usually not worth the difference.

4. Finally, and most importantly, ask the waiter. If you're not sure what to order, ask for a general recommendation, or one within a varietal, a price range, or among a few bottles you're deciding between. Even if you've chosen a bottle with confidence, it can't hurt to ask the waiter's opinion. They're trained in wine, and have probably tried every wine on the list: she or he can tell you if a wine is mediocre, or is from a bad vintage, or won't go well with your meal. Your waiter usually knows more than you, and is an accomplice in your mission to avoid schmuck-ness. Don't let yourself be talked into something you don't want, and take your time choosing—after all, the wine may be the most expensive part of the meal. A&E DESIGN PAGE INBOXES

The Swingin' Sommelier The Herald's very own wino offers the truth in red and white in this, the third in a series of pieces on the fine art of thorough, socially acceptable sousing.

Ordering wine isn't that hard after all if you know the right questions to ask. And when the bottle comes, don't start stressing again. The ritual of tasting the wine before it is distributed is not the waiter's way of testing your wine connoisseurship or an opportunity for you to say whether you like the wine. It's simply to check if the wine is "corked" (contaminated from cork mold). Corked wine is pretty rare, and you'll know immediately from a foul smell and unpleasant taste. So don't worry about it—you'll have a wonderful time, and you'll get the girl. That means you probably won't pass your history class, but hey, at least the wine was good.

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