Branford demons must remain in purgatory

DANICA NOVGORODOFF/YH

By Andrew Cowdery

In seven months, Branford upperclassmen have inflicted almost $19,000 worth of damage on the Swing Space. This was not an isolated God Quad bash gone wrong, but a constant assault against the Fusco Corporation's finest work. Lounge chairs have been ripped and stolen. A vending machine was broken into and emptied. Three paintings have walked right off the walls.

Currently, one of the plans to pay for the damage is the levying of an $80 fine on the term bills of all Branfordians presently living in Swing Space. While the fine would cover the damages, this crime was a moral as well as a financial one, and should therefore be punished as such.

Branford students are only living in Swing Space because Yale is spending $20 million to Berkeley-ify their college. This year they have done their best to destroy their own quarters, and we intend to chauffeur them to a glistening new building with an $80 slap on the wrist? No. By allowing this cloud of collegiate locusts to swarm from building to building, a trail of broken fire doors and vandalized elevator walls in their wake, we are sending the wrong message to both future Swing Space occupants and to the contributors who made the renovation possible in the first place.

To avoid this ugly situation and prevent a legacy of vandalism, we should not reward the sackers of Swing Space with a brand-new Branford. The punishment should fit the crime. So, if Branford has chosen to destroy Swing Space, fine. Let them live there next year too. Charge whatever it takes to fix the place up, but when the construction crews finally stop hammering away at Branford, let President Levin open up the newly-beautified college's gates to its new occupants: Saybrook.

That's right. Next year Saybrook goes under the renovation ax, assuming they raise enough money. Normally, they would go serve their sentence in Swing Space while their college gets a makeover, but these are desperate times. So let Saybrook live in Branford next year while the hooligans live down their criminal tendencies. If they get through next year without ransacking their own home, let them return to Home Sweet Branford when Saybrook moves out. If they destroy Swing Space again, let them continue their tenure there.

I can already hear the angry shouts: "Don't punish everyone in Branford! These troubles have been caused by a small but extremely resourceful band of thieves, whose rooms are now filled floor to ceiling with lounge chairs and stolen goods. Honest!" Okay. The 95-percent-of-us-haven't-stolen-anything excuse does seem valid, as does the point that freshmen living on Old Campus should not be punished for the sins of their elders. Desperate times, however, do not allow for exceptions. Berkeley didn't loot the place when they stayed there last year, so we let them leave. With no leading suspects and no room search, there can only be one solution to the Branford question: mass imprisonment with release conditional on good behavior.

Swing Space can be a great asset if we acknowledge it for what it is: a penalty. It has no beloved Gothic architecture or dining hall, and nobody really wants to live there. So rather than impose Swing Space on whichever college is under renovation, we should impose it on the college that deserves it most. Swing Space residence could be determined on a point scale, running all year long. Points would be awarded for breaking and stealing items from your own college, and for sucking at IMs and the "Green Cup." We could call it the "Swing Cup," and put weekly standings in the Herald. It'll be great: our paranoia about living in Swing Space will make us more courteous tenants, more dedicated athletes, and finally give us a tangible reason to recycle our newspapers.

Swing Space should never again be given to an innocent college. It is our job to ensure that the Administration follows through on these rational plans. We must act quickly, however. Swing Space is almost barren, and once its resources are exhausted there's no telling where its bitter residents may strike next. Silliman has the nicest lounge chairs, but Stiles has several pristine vending machines. So sit quivering in your room, waiting for rabid Branfordians to steal all your stuff, or stride out into the open and take a stand. The choice is yours.

Andrew Cowdery is a freshman in Ezra Stiles.

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