Trumbull

It is with the deepest regret that we write to inform you that we will not be able to accept your son, little Bully, into the Bovine Stud Academy. If he should decide to apply next year, here are some things he might consider working on:

1. Attendance. As they say, putting a bun in the oven requires kneading the dough, and you can't make bread if you never find the kitchen. We need studs who will show up and get the job done. Just follow your nose, the kitchen smells good.

2. Quantity (see Attendance, above). Super Soaker water cannons are better than squirt guns. To get things sufficiently wet at the Academy you have to open up the floodgates. Our IM teams need more players, fewer haters.

3. Skill and God-given talent. It's not the size of the ship but the motion in the ocean, dearest Bully. You have the necessary equipment and spirit, all you need is some drilling. 4. Bomb Berkeley College. 'Nuf said.

Working on these things will make you a better candidate for admission.

Sincerely,

Ezra "Moose" Stylz

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