When booty calls, and other 'issues'

The World According to Carp
    By Benjamin Carp

Love, apparently, is war, and good strategy seems to be essential. An acquaintance of mine went to visit her ex-boyfriend in Baltimore last weekend, ostensibly to talk about the nature of their friendship. Originally they'd agreed to "just be friends," of course, but now she had a problem...she and her ex were stretching the definition of "friendship." That is, every time they'd seen each other over the past few months, they'd hooked up.

"Ah, so the true purpose of your visit to Baltimore is a Booty Call," I said, beaming with pride--I'd just learned this term from a freshman last month (t hey've been on the outside world more recently, so they know all the current lingo). A Booty Call, according to my source, is a call made between two people who supposedly have no emotional attachment other than friendship.

Nevertheless, because one or both parties may be "horny," i.e., they may feel the need to "get some," one person makes a Booty Call. (If the other person doesn't answer in time, the appropriate response, of course, is *69). Without any need for formalities (dinner, meeting parents, dealing with neuroses, etc.) they promptly get together, get down, and get it on. You know how it goes (actually, this is Yale--you probably don't). The '70s music starts playing, a few coy words are exchanged, and the screen fades to bla ck.

"So the problem," she said, "is that he wants to make this more permanent--to have a Friendship with Privileges." Aha--he's thinking in Poli Sci terms--it's the "supreme court," if you will. He wants the right to " peaceably assemble." An enactment of "congress." The writ of "habeas corpus" (Latin: "you have the body")--but without the commitment, the stress, the "shit," or having to remember birthdays. My friend said, "We have too much history to get back into a relationship, but I'm probably going to hook up with him again."

"I see," I said. "In other words, you want a first-class round-trip to Baltimore with no baggage."

"That's what makes a Booty Call such a sweet deal," said another friend of mine, later this week. "Hooking up, after all, is a bodily function like any other. It's messy, it's embarrassing to discuss in mixed company, but biology compels it and it's fun. So what good is a relationship? All that emotional excess. It's the '90s and I have enough angst on my mind without having to deal with someone else's issues."

Which brings us to another new term I've learned. Many Yalies have " ; issues" nowadays, but nobody has "problems." Welcome to the Care Bear PC sensitive '90s, where no one is brave enough to admit to problems, nor does anyone want to be perceived as being so judgmental as to ascribe problems to others. I mean , who are we, as post-modernists, to say that Joe Blow's penchant for copulating with goats is a problem? Perhaps it was part of his family background, or arose from the oppression of a Republican majority in Congress. Thus, it would be crude to say that Joe had a problem, since it's through no fault of his own.

Hence, he has issues, perhaps a subscription's worth. When someone informs us that Joe "has issues," we can smile vaguely, and then, without any specific knowledge, opt to ignore Joe's issues or avoid Joe himself. Or, to tease him, we could just bleat a lot.

In a century of malls, McDonald's, and MTV, the level of superficiality that our society has attained is no great surprise. In our cowardice, we avoid talking about people's "problems" or exposing our own problems to others. Instead, we gloss over them with the seemingly innocuous word "issues," which allows us to shelter ourselves from life's less pleasant aspects (although maybe goats are pleasant--when you find out, get back to me). We covet the fleeting "privilege" of a hookup, but desperately seek to avoid deep emotional commitment (after all, that involves dealing with "issues"). As a consequence, we shelter ourselves from some of life's more pleasant aspects as well.

We have cheapened human interactions, relationships, and friendships. Yes, one can claim that real relationships will come later--college is the time to have fun. But when it's time t o start those deeper relationships and deal with real "issues," what practice will you have? If we're not careful, we may all end up as soulless, uncaring egomaniacs who are great in the sack, but slow to call the next morning.

In the battle for hookups, we can scarf up our frequent flyer miles, and shut out conversation by keeping our headphones on throughout the flight. But when the flight is over, the stewardess just smiles emptily and thanks us indiscriminately. That kind of Mile High Club is no great achievement--Booty Calls are just marking time, and it's the charge that wins the war.

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