Love and romance, long-distance

Tomorrow, many Yalies will have the luxury of celebrating Valentine's Day in person with their college sweethearts. For some Yalies, however, love is thousands of miles away.

"On my FOOT trip, they told us that 99 percent of high school relationships don't even make it past the second or third week of freshman year," Roger Schonfeld, SM '99, recalled.

Yet a number of students--and a growing list of professors dealing with the same predicament--are defying the conventional wisdom that long-distance inevitably equals doom. "A lot of people are shocked when they first hear that I'm still with my high school girlfriend," Dylan Chan, BK '99, commented. "But then they're like, `Hey, that's great...how do you do that?'" Based on the experiences of both students and professors in long-distance relationships, the answer seems to be a complicated mixture of flexibility, compromise, commitment, and love.

Making the choice

Yale is a tough opportunity to turn down--and most students in serious high school relationships said that they didn't allow the possibility of a separation to influence their college decisions.

Dylan Chan, BK '99, with Jackie in Calif.

"I was kind of already set in my direction to Yale before I'd met Claire," John Logsdon, SM '01, recalled of his decision to leave his home state of California, where his girlfriend would be attending college in the fall. "I think we both realized that giving up this opportunity would probably be something I'd regret."

For Melissa Hillier, BR '99, the choice to attend college away from her high school boyfriend, Andy, was especially hard. "We had always agreed that we would not base any decisions on going to school together, and that if we went to school together, it would be purely a coincidence," she remembered. But the decision became much harder when Hillier received acceptances from both Yale and Brown, while Andy was accepted at Brown and wait-listed at Yale. "I'll admit that sending back the `no' to Brown was hard," she commented.

Students aren't the only ones who have to confront the prospect of long-distance relationships. Astronomy Professor Charles Bailyn, CC '81, said that he and his wife Becky, GRD '96, were determined to be realistic when she started to apply for history teaching positions last year. "We knew that there was a very strong possibility that we'd have to be long-distance," he said. "Jobs in academic history are very rare. She only applied to places we knew we'd be willing to deal with--she didn't apply to places in Montana, for example. And we were committed that if she got a job in one of these places, she would take it." Bailyn's wife now teaches American History at the University of Illinois at Chicago.

Many couples say they viewed the impending separation with cautious confidence. "I went into Yale expecting the relationship to continue and not treating it otherwise, as though it were doomed to failure. I think that is key," Adam Giuliano, PC '99, said. Giuliano had been dating his girlfriend, Sarah, for almost a year before starting Yale.

Others, however, were more unsure. "We were hoping it would work, but heard all these awful things about how it never works," Chan said. His girlfriend, Jackie, attends school in their native California. "We didn't think it would work, especially with us so far apart."

The first months apart

Most couples recall the initial adjustment period to college as especially trying. "The relationship was something that was on my mind all the time, especially at first," Logsdon said. "It brought me down a lot. It was tough adjusting to school and getting into the rhythm of things while my mind was back in California."

John Logsdon, SM '01, with Clara in Calif.

Bill Stewart, BK '99, said his closeness to his girlfriend, Heather, intensified the rocky nature of freshman year. They had been dating since their sophomore year of high school. "It affected both of us because if one of us was having a really good time, and the other one wasn't, by nature we felt the other person's sorrow or depression," he remembered. "It kind of made it harder for the person who was having a good time to still keep having a good time."

One junior who recently broke up with his high school girlfriend described how the relationship had a "very negative impact" on his adjustment to Yale. "I didn't get out to meet people as much, I didn't socialize as much, and I wasn't as friendly and outgoing to people I would meet....It's only in retrospect that I realize what I sort of missed out on," he said.

Dani Cook, CC '98, reflected that her current long-distance relationship may have given her the best of both worlds. Her boyfriend, Damon, was a casual acquaintance in high school; they only began dating when they ran into each other last year while on vacation. "If we had actually started dating in high school, I don't think we would be together now. But having the chance to see new things and meet new people...I think that's kind of what made it work," she said.

Yet other Yalies say that arriving with a long-distance relationship had positive aspects. "In some ways, it made it easier because I didn't have to worry about the awkwardness of the whole dating game. I could just settle down and be myself," Giuliano related.

However, even the couples who had difficulties adjusting to college said that they hold no regrets. "I think it sort of made any homesickness or longing for the past harder," Hillier acknowledged. "But at the same time, the pain of having broken up when we still loved each other would have made it a million times worse...to feel like I didn't have him when I still loved him and he still loved me."

Finding a system

Though there are many Yalies who arrive at school with a long-distance commitment, few are able to keep their relationship going on a long-term basis. What helped these couples to succeed?

Bill Stewart, BK '99, with Heather in Ohio

According to Yale psychology professor Robert Sternberg, a nationally recognized expert in issues of love and relationships, a couple's long-distance success depends on the nature of both the relationship and of the two distinct personalities involved. "The most important strength is commitment--wanting to make it work," Sternberg explained. "But I think flexibility is another, which is not about the relationship, but about who you are as a person, because you have to juggle some things and lead, in some respects, a less conventional life."

For Yale couples who have maintained their relationships, commitment and flexibility are expressed through frequent phone calls, letters, e-mails, and visits. In fact, almost all of the couples interviewed said that they communicate through at least one of these methods on a daily basis.

"It just feels wrong if we don't communicate or see each other," Stewart said, adding that he and Heather e-mail and talk on the phone every day. "I've never thought of it as a burden...it's something I want to do."

Liat Feldman, BK '98, was faced with a true long-distance separation when she entered the Israeli army while her high school boyfriend, Eric Heller, MC '96, started his freshman year at Yale. "We wrote letters to each other every day, and had weekly phone conversations," she said. "We weren't planning to speak so much, but soon we started racking up the phone bills." Although Feldman and her boyfriend spent two years together at Yale, they are now separated again, since he is currently in his second year at Harvard Medical School. "Now, New Haven/Boston is not a big deal," she said. "We see each other every weekend...we both have cars, and either I drive up or he drives down."

Feldman, like many others, credits frequent contact with keeping the relationship alive. "I do miss a lot that's going on here. But I feel it's something I need to do...If you think that you have a future with a person, then it's worthwhile to invest in your relationship."

Faculty members, who have the luxury of independent salaries, say that daily phone calls and frequent visits become a way of life when faced with a long-distance separation. Bailyn flies out to Chicago once a month; his wife comes to New Haven every other weekend. "Her job basically pays for the extra apartment and the airfare. I sometimes feel like we're subsidizing United Airlines!" he said, laughing.

On a similar note, Psychology Professor Mahzarin Banaji, who dealt with a long-distance relationship during the '80s, commented that she and her husband "still continue to be AT&T's `preferred customers,' because of the millions we spent on phone calls during those years."

The `Big Question'

The toughest challenge for many long-distance college couples has often been dubbed "the big question": should they maintain an exclusive relationship? Many of the couples said that they had, at some point, considered the possibility that they should see other people while also continuing the relationship.

Melissa Hillier, BR '99, with Andy in RI

"We started out with this idealistic notion that we could stay together and still look around," Stewart remembered. "But it turned out that neither of us met anyone, and it wasn't long into freshman year that we decided we would remain totally committed."

For others, however, the road has been more rocky. "We decided beforehand to be non-exclusive, the idea being that we had a better chance of surviving as a couple that way. Part of the college experience is meeting people, dating people," David Slifka, JE '01, said. Slifka recently celebrated his one-year anniversary with his girlfriend Suzanne. "But the reality of being non-exclusive is much more difficult than the plan."

Hillier described similar feelings after switching to a non-exclusive policy with her boyfriend this year. "Coming into junior year, we had a mid-college crisis or something, where we were both concerned about not branching out enough. Now we're technically allowed to see other peo-ple...it's been really hard. Even though neither of us has really seen anybody, it's been hard to even have that sort of arrangement."

Sternberg said that non-exclusive relationships can work, but that they definitely entail an element of risk. "It's a challenge. You have to be willing to put the relationship to the test," he said. "It can only work if both people agree to do that and they're open about it. If you agree that you have a `don't ask, don't tell' policy, then you're being open about having the same policy. The important thing is that you both have the same understanding. Non-exclusivity would work for some people, but for others it just wouldn't be an acceptable alternative."

Those in the latter category include Feldman, Cook, and Giuliano. "We have never seen other people," Giuliano said. "Since we value our relationship as meaningful and special, doing so would both ring hollow and destroy what we have."

Faculty headaches and separations

Although married faculty couples living hundreds of miles apart don't have to grapple with questions about seeing other people, they often must cope with an even more difficult reality: that there is no clear end in sight to their separation.

COURTESY DANI COOK Dani Cook, CC '98, and Damon, who attends college in Oregon.

"The academic job market is a problem for academic couples, like crazy, all over the place," Bailyn said. "It's clearly the biggest headache for faculty of my generation."

Berkeley Dean Laurence Winnie, whose wife Lee Wandel is currently on a one-year fellowship at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, N.J., shared Bailyn's sentiments. "How long the separation lasts depends on jobs. You don't know," he said. Since Wandel did not receive tenure from Yale last year, she is now seeking positions teaching history at other colleges. Once she finds a job, Winnie will seek a position nearby. "We'll see," he said. "You don't control your fate."

Deputy Provost Charles Long said that dual career couples are, in fact, the most frequent problem that academic institutions face in faculty recruitment. He explained that Yale attempts to find temporary jobs for professors' spouses who work in academia. "We will offer partial financial support for a limited period of time...to provide a position for a spouse until a full time or more permanent position becomes available," he said. But he added that Yale does not create permanent jobs for spouses, nor give preferences to professors' spouses who are applying for open positions at Yale.

According to Bailyn, Yale's policy makes sense. "No department wants to have someone pushed on them. And no one wants to get a job because of your spouse--you want to get it on your own," he said. Yet he acknowledged that the prospect of a long-term separation can be daunting. "We don't want to do this forever, but we don't have a lot of control over how it's going to end. There's a lot of concern about the future."

Valentine's Day Reflections

COURTESY LAURENCE WINNIE Berkeley Dean Laurence Winnie with his wife, former Yale professor Lee Wandel, at the 1997 Yale Commencement.

Despite all the challenges of long-distance, the Yalies in these relationships say that they can't imagine sharing Valentine's Day with anyone else. In fact, Stewart proposed to his girlfriend during this past Thanksgiving break, and will be flying to Ohio to spend February 14th with her. Cook, who plans to move out to Oregon next year to live with her boyfriend, will be travelling across the country as well. Bailyn and Winnie will also be sharing the day with their wives.

And even those couples who can't spend Valentine's Day with each other say that they have no regrets about remaining in their relationships.

"I think we've been able to make it work because we are really in love. There's just something between us that, in our other relationships, we haven't found," Logsdon reflected, adding that he is sending Claire a dozen roses and a letter for Valentine's Day.

Giuliano shared Logsdon's optimism. "Keeping up with Sarah was one of the smartest and wisest things that I have ever done," he said. "I am a much happier, and better, person for being with her still."

Graphics by See-Ming Lee and Melanie Schoenberg.

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