And the Oscar goes to...A&E

Boomie Aglietti: The month of March is never complete without a night of stiff ovations and runny mascara. For the seven millionth bi-weekly Academy Awards, Hollywood will once again trot out a host of silver screen darlings to celebrate all that is good about America, dammit. For the second straight year, Billy Crystal will serve as Head Tool in an event that is sure to remind us that even if your movie is about toenail clippings, as long as someone spent four trillion dollars to bring your baby to public light, you will win.

In the category of Actor in a Leading Role, you can arrive at your winner by process of elimination. Who the hell saw The Apostle? (Bye-bye Robert Duvall.) Maybe I'm confusing him with Henry, but isn't Peter Fonda dead yet? Wag the Dog just isn't as funny as Rain Man, so no nod for Dustin Hoffman. It comes down to Matt "Leonardo DiCaprio" Damon and Jack "Estelle Getty" Nicholson. Always bet on Jack.

Equally random will win the award for Actress in a Leading Role. Well crap--they're all actresses in a leading role, so they'll all win (what the hell is with the change in category titles?). Anyone who reads my reviews knows that Julie Christie deserves no part of this award. I sent my critique to the Academy, so I'm not worried that she'll win. Helen Hunt was good--but not as good as it got. No, her portrayal was too real, too accessible to the public. Kate Winslet will win, if only for the sheer volume of footage because Titanic is eight hours long.

The nominees for Best Supporting Actor and Actress were clearly selected by a janitor. What the hell does "supporting role" mean? Did Burt Reynolds have to comfort Mark Wahlberg after shoots, saying, "Mark, I'm really sorry you have to play a man with a 13-inch penis?" But if Greg Kinnear doesn't win, I will never love again. He was engaging; more importantly, his Nicholson impression was solid and meta. Gloria Stuart? Please. She had about two minutes of screentime and was not nearly as hot as Kate Winslet. Give it
to Minnie Driver for having the name of an
80 year-old.

Good Will Hunting will win Best Picture because it's a movie about people and their problems that they maybe have, and then because how they relate to the other people that they know, and yeah. It's just about people and their emotional stuff and because then what happens.

If Titanic wins anything besides Biggest Boat, I personally will bomb Iraq. Actually, it will win the Film Editing Oscar (and probably the Cinematography Oscar)--give credit where you can't give it anywhere else in this film. It's funny that Leonardo DiCaprio wasn't nominated for best actor; but then it really isn't funny because you realize that he sucked. As for James Cameron, he should direct a movie in which his screenwriter for Titanic gets mangled in a blender. Look for one of the nominated films to win the Directing Oscar.

Truly the hardest prediction comes in the category of Documentary: Short Subject because I don't care. With illogically-titled nominees such as Still Kicking: The Fabulous Palm, it's no wonder that this Oscar (whose presenters will probably be Bronson Pinchot, MC '81, and Tina Yothers) will not be televised, or watched by the live audience.

Kate Blofson: Really I only care about the Oscars because of what people are wearing, or how their hair is done, or who their date is, and I wish I knew which movies were nominated, although I have a vague understanding that Good Will Hunting was nominated for eight or so and Titanic for maybe 10. In terms of money spent and subject matter, I would say that Titanic should win everything, because I am all about supporting blockbuster films, but I haven't gotten 'round to seeing it yet. The Full Monty, I think, was nominated for something too, but as far as I can tell I'm just about the only person this side of the Mississippi whose boat it didn't float--same thing for Good Will Hunting. Boston and England can go to hell for all I care, though I liked the bits in both films about how much they all drank; that's all I can remember about them right now.

I think The Wedding Singer should take all the cake, but I don't know if it counts for Oscar time. It might not measure up to Happy Gilmore or even Billy Madison, but (as far as I'm concerned) Adam Sandler just about blows everyone away. And his haircut is so right on. I saw The Wedding Singer opening night in California and some punk jumped up on the stage in front of the theater (there was a stage in the theater for some reason, I guess that's how they do it in California) right up in my face because I like to get up close and personal with my movies--get the most for my money you know--and sang along with Mr. Sandler during the "Love Stinks" song. We all wanted him to get off the stage so we could better concentrate on the movie, but also we felt his pain 'cuz love sure does stink, so we let his Assuck butt-patches flap around up there for a few minutes and even clapped politely (I think) when he was done.

In any case, The Wedding Singer was a class-A movie. So was The Fifth Element, and so was Her Majesty Mrs. Brown, which I saw alone on my birthday here in New Haven. Pretty sad, so I cried. Come to think of it, I cried at The Fifth Element and The Wedding Singer, too. A sure sign of a good movie, unless you're me, who cries at just about every movie. I think that Dylan McKay should win an Oscar for being amazing because they should really have Oscars for TV shows, not the stupid Golden Globes or whatever they do for TV. I just hope that the Oscars aren't on a Wednesday night because they've been pre-empting 90210 way too much lately and it makes me even more depressed than I already am.

Julia Dahl: I would like to open by admitting that in my entire life I have never correctly predicted a single Academy Award. I mean really, Braveheart? Unforgiven? Kim Basinger? So the following list does not presume to be a serious attempt to predict; it only contains my pre-
Oscar musings.

I pray each night that Matt Damon and Ben Affleck win Best Original Screenplay just so that I can live vicariously through the statue Matt will be stroking all night. To tell you the truth, I'm pulling for Good Will Hunting to sweep the awards. Minnie Driver couldn't have been more charming as the wacky and sexy woman who wins Matt's heart and, even though I am morally opposed to fart jokes, Robin Williams's little monologue about his wife's nervous habit was so endearing that I wanted to switch shrinks. Since this is the year of the old men, I think we should bust some male ass and give Judi Dench the gold man for giving life to the woman behind the era.

Realistically, I think Titanic will deservedly take Best Picture and Cameron Best Director (although the Academy should stipulate that if he makes another "size matters" joke, the award gets pulled).

And now to the more pressing matter--who gets Harry Winston's this year?

Pavlina Hatoupis: Let's face it. There's not that much suspense in this year's Academy Award guessing game. With 14 nominations, the idea of Titanic not raking them in in just about every category is highly improbable. Once again, bigger and better seems to apply to the Hollywood aesthtetic. After all, can you think of a better success story? A film whose budget topped the likes of Cleopatra and Waterworld and was predicted to be a huge flop, turns out to be The Biggest Moneymaker Of All Time. The Cinderella of Hollywood outsmarted the folks who created her
Fairy Godmother.

We can, however, only ponder the disastrous consequences of Titanic winning a dozen Academy Awards. In the short term, it's rather frightening that films such as Ang Lee's The Ice Storm aren't even mentioned, drowned in a sea of special effects and millions of dollars. The words of the American producer in Jean-Luc Godard's Contempt are eerily appropriate: "When I hear the word `culture,' I take out my check book."

Life is imitating art in Hollywood more than ever. But this is just the tip of the iceberg (pun intended). Applauding Titanic will not only give a blow to independent filmmaking, but the entire studio system itself. Indeed, Titanic's sanction by the ever-righteous Academy will summon a spur of ridiculously high-budget and thus high-risk films. And we all remember what happened to Waterworld. A flop this huge would mean the end of a studio like MGM, which is already on shaky ground. Poetic justice?

The plot thickens if we consider the darker side of the spectrum. Titanic represents digital animation and simulation at its best. We saw the picture for the thrill of seing that big boat, in all its graphic splendor, float and then go down. Not for the artistic integrity, not for the elegant dialogue, not even for the remarkable acting. What does this mean? Elaborate 3-D graphics will be perceived as a sure formula for marketable success. Why not shoot half the film in front of a blue screen? Heck, why not the whole thing? No need for location shooting--should we even bother with actors? Let's design them. It's cheaper, they'll do what we want them to, and we don't even have to pay them.

So where does that leave movie-making? All you'll need is a computer and a camera and you're set. Who cares whether you have absolutely no idea when it comes to story- telling, or acting, or directing, or working as a team? Well, maybe I went a bit too far. But then again, who knows? Wasn't the Titanic supposed to be unsinkable?

Andrea Lynch: Okay, so basically it's hands-down-in-the-bag-bet-you-a-million-bucks-and-your-firstborn for Titanic taking the Best Picture Oscar. Tell me something I don't know. It has all the necessary elements. Shall we review? It cost enough to feed the Third World four times over. Rounded in an all-too-cinematic historical context that's been on our collective consciousness since elementary school. Special effects powerful enough to kill a man in his 60s. Meaninglessly didactic moral frame that kicks us in the balls until we get the point already. Kathy Bates. Transcendence of class. White-hot leading lady who gets down with her bad self in steerage and white-hot leading man who spends the entirety of his screen time desperately trying to suppress the fact that he'd rather be shooting the sex scene with his Irish "bunk buddy."

And, most importantly, the flick is just so fucking American. More American than apple pie and ice cream and baseball and talk shows and ignorance and complacency all rolled into one. Because they cast off those meaningless class distinctions and fall in love, goddammit. And they're both hot. And he's gay.

Also, it's pretty clear that Good Will Hunting will sashay away with Best Original Screenplay, because indie films, young writers, and Boston are getting just about popular enough to be mainstream enough to win awards. Plus it's chock full o' virtuoso intellectualism that's
sufficiently digestible for the Academy's weak stomachs. On the Boston tip (my hometown), it's about time, is all I have to say. Messrs. Affleck and Damon know what's up: Boston is the undiscovered gem of urban America and if Good Will Hunting wins any Oscars, Beantown is gonna go crazier than Chicago did when they filmed The Blues Brothers there.

Also, I'd like to make a personal plug for Elliot Smith pickin' up the Oscar for Best Original Song for the aforementioned film. Because Elliot Smith is just amazing, and if he's not too doped up on Thorazine to receive the award, I'll be really psyched to see what he wears.

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• The Official Site for the 70th Annual Academy Awards

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