Ivy League Notebook, Yale Index

Ivy League Notebook

Last week, Pennsylvania adopted a program that will begin to remove teachers from the classroom. The program, called "Distributed Learning," will allow professors' lectures to be videotaped and then transmitted not only to students on campus, but to students all over the world. Distributed Learning will allow the university to offer courses at all levels. For instance, Pennsylvania hopes to offer advanced placement calculus to high school students next year.

The program will allow the university to mass market degrees. Sally Struthers has already been hired to sell Pennsylvania educations on cable access across the country. But there is a much more serious reason for adopting the program: the administration has decided it would be safer for students just not to go to classes at all, especially after a student was shot in class. In fact, it would be better if students did not even come to West Philly. Distributed Learning ensures that Pennsylvania will now be the safest campus in the Ivy League.

Brown

As a result of the Bacchic revelry that can only be found at Brown (and in Branford), crime on campus surged during this past Spring Weekend. Four on-campus assaults were reported as well as 185 calls for service to University Police. "I'm sure a lot of the incidents were alcohol-related," the school's very astute police chief noted. "Violence was a product of the alcohol. Spring Weekend didn't produce the violence; alcohol produced the violence." As this statement indicates, the chief was probably drunk as well.

One assault was supposedly drug-related--when a non-Brown student was caught rolling a joint, he punched a police officer and ran away. The suspect bore a striking resemblance to the university provost. In another violent incident, a student was hit in the head by a flying beer can. In all, two Brown students were arrested.

This year's number of incidents dwarfed last year's record of 142. "It could have been a lot worse," one police officer remarked. There's always next year....

--Compiled by Mike Buckstein from The Daily Pennsylvanian and

The Brown Daily Herald

YALE INDEX
1. 1. Number of apartments Soraya Victory, JE '99, has claimed to have "a good shot at getting" over the last month	8
2. Number of said apartments to be inhabited by Victory in September	0
3. Number of "psycho-singles" available in JE for the fall of 1998	1
4. Number of words that sound like eminent	2
5. Number of times award-winning grad school reporter Matt Matros, SY '99, flew into a tirade over the incorrect usage of the word eminent at 5:20 a.m. on a Friday	1
6. Number of weeks Andrew Krause, JE '00, has counted on "a new beginning, a reason for living, a deeper meaning (yeah)"	13
7. Number of benches in front of Lanman-Wright Hall	8
8. Number of times Fabián E. Rosado, PC '99, was found sleeping on one of those benches	1
9. Percentage of new hair promised to be grown by the improved Rogaine formula	35
10. Number of Herald executive editors, past and present, happy with the above news	2

--Compiled by two really old Herald editors

Sources: 1) Queen of the Bug Dance, JE '99; 2) Schiavone Management;
3) Peter Blenkinsop, JE '99; 4) Webster's; 5) Siobhan Peiffer, JE '99; 6) Nola Breglio,
BK '01; 7) Herald News; 8) Chris Burke, PC '99; 9) Jay Munir, DC '98

LIZ OLINER/YH SOLAR POWER: Team Lux unveiled a prototype for its next solar car on Thurs., Apr. 23 at Beinecke Plaza. Who says there's no energy for undergraduate engineering at Yale?

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