Around the Ivies and Yale Index

Around the Ivies

Cornell

In an alarming imitation of their mid-19th-century predecessors, several of the little women in the Alpha Phi sorority at Cornell recently came down with scarlet fever. Unlike their sisters in previous generations, however, the sisters of Alpha Phi will be able to treat their illness with penicillin. The sisters say that despite their non-contagious status they have had to deal with some paranoia, mostly from totally immature frat boys. For the curious, the symptoms of scarlet fever are similar to the symptoms of strep throat, but include a rash without bumps that resembles a sunburn.

Harvard

On Sun., Oct. 11, while grumpy Yalies studied for midterms and argued with naggy, bored parents, Harvard students ventured out of the little world of Widener Library and into the rain-soaked streets to celebrate the 20th annual Oktoberfest.

The students, along with thousands of locals and tourists, gorged themselves on bratwurst, sauerkraut and strudel and polka-ed off their lederhosen to the lieder of the Jolly Kopperschmidts. German students looked on, perplexed, wondering where the beer had gone.

Pennsylvania

University officials at Pennsylvania are divided about the filming of a new feature-length romantic comedy on campus. Kimberly, a "low-budget" film starring Gabrielle Anwar and Sean Astin, has a story line in which a male professor sleeps with a female student. "We just didn't feel we wanted that person to be representative of a Pennsylvania professor," a university spokesperson explained. The filming will continue as planned, but the use of the Pennsylvania name and logo will not be permitted in the final cut.

Students, anxious for their 15 minutes of fame, were disappointed to find out that the extras being hired to fill the background in the film with authentic-looking "students" were in fact struggling young actors sent over by their agents.

--Compiled by Gaylen Moore from the Cornell Sun, the Harvard Crimson, and the Daily Pennsylvanian

YALE INDEX
1. Cost of two round-trip bus tickets for Mike's parents, Lillian and Irwin Wolmetz, from Brooklyn, for Parents' Weekend, in dollars	79
2. Cost for Tom's parents, Judith and Joaquin Dorantes, to hitchhike on I-95 from Old Lyme, Conn., in dollars	0
3. Cost of single-bed economy-class room for Lillian, Irwin, Joaquin, and Judith at the Hotel Duncan including cable and hot water, in dollars	41
4. Cost of ordering Pay-Per-View XXX movie "Jurassic Pork" at Hotel Duncan, in dollars	7.99
5. Cover charge for the four parents, Mike, and Tom to get jiggy wit' it at Hot Dog Town, the new gay club featuring an all male revue, in dollars	36
6. Cost of seven Kamikazes for Mike's mom, Lillian, plus tip for the bisexual, transgendered, fetishist bartender, Lars, in dollars	28
7. Cost of "bad girl" spanking for Tom's mom, Judith, in dollars	15
8. Number of dollar bills stuffed into tight men's g-strings by Mike's dad, Irwin	6
9. Cost of Yale Mom shot glass souvenir for Mike's mom, in dollars	9
10. Total losses of both families at Foxwoods High Stakes Bingo and Casino, in dollars	400
11. Quality time with Mike's and Tom's parents	priceless
12. Cost in total projected psychotherapy for Mike and tom	priceless

—Compiled by Tommycat Dorantes and Happy Birthday Mike Wolmetz

Sources: 1) Peter Pan; 2) common knowledge; 3) Hotel Duncan; 4) Comcast; 5) word of mouth via The Gimp; 6) Lars (formerly Lara); 7) Friday nigh Buck-O-Spank coupon special; 8) appalling observation; 9) The Yale Bookstore; 10) Mike and Tom's quarterly tuition fund reports; 11,12) Mastercard

JULIA TIERNAN/YH LAST CALL: Two supporters of the now-evicted Daily Caffe sell T-shirts and memorabilia at a Toad's Place concert on Tues., Oct. 13 to raise money for the former owners.

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