The fashion swami speaks: don't say nope to dope

JULIA TIERNAN/YH One word: nope.

Fashion and style are merely subjective and highly fickle. Anyone who tells you different is lying like a dog in labor. Everything that the fashion magazines term "chic" gets deemed "crapola" in the very next issue. Fashionistas, those pretentious, black-clad cognoscenti, have a full range of knowledge regarding what is hot and what is not, are on top of trends, and can break down an outfit in about two milliseconds.

Unfortunately, they also have zero personal creativity and nobody likes them. It's sad that the ordinary Joes--that girl in the Banana Republic tank, that guy in the dirty white hat--must listen to various half-truths and haughty decrees about fashion and style. This is what leads to the schism between designer and reality, consumer and market, fashion and, well, men.

Where does the average person go to learn what looks good and how to wear it? From whom do normal Yalies learn what to keep in their closet and what to throw away?

You could say from yourself, but that would be foolish. I suggest me. That's right, yours truly. In this column, I'll attempt to succor those who are in desperate need of fashion advice and to help those who would look fine except for that one little thing that needs tweaking. For your convenience, I have classified items into two categories: Dope, as in cool, flattering, and current, and Nope, as in unflattering, old, and troll-y.

Dope: Flat front pants, especially chinos and cargos, but also dress pants.

Nope: Any pants that are pleated, cuffed, acid-washed, too short, or tapered.

Hang your collective heads in shame, Yalies, for you are frequent offenders. Let's evaluate. Pleats are for old and/or overweight people. You appear positively marsupial when you sit down in them. Cuffs chop you off at the ankle and make you look shorter. Both are aesthetically cluttering and unnecessary except when used in an obvious stylistic manner--the voluminous pleats of Rykiel pants or the oversized cuff of Dolce & Gabbana trousers, for example. If you have acid-washed, tapered Guess jeans, get rid of them. This is not 1988, and Mariah Carey is really the only one who should be singing "Can't Let Go. " The solution is easy. Chuck out any of the above and buy a pair of flat front khakis and a dark pair of jeans, preferably carpenter or relaxed.

Dope: Nike and Adidas athletic sandals, as well as other athletic inspired sandals.

Nope: Teva sandals worn with white socks.

This is not fresh. It seems that the denizens of KBT have decided to inflict their brand of Science Hill glamour upon Yale campus. This look is oxymoronic and questionable on so many levels, a veritable onion of a no-no. Why are you wearing sandals if you have to wear socks? That means you are cold and should wear shoes. Why are you wearing white socks with jungle-print Tevas? It's geek, not chic. Finally, and most importantly, why are you wearing Tevas in the first place?

Dope: Those athletic style logo T-shirts.

Nope: Yale T-shirts.

You are probably thinking, "How could this be?!?!" Let me tell you. It is completely redundant to wear Yale gear when you are on Yale campus attending Yale classes with your Yale friends. As Shira Brisman, BK '01, so elegantly put it, "Wearing a Yale T-shirt at this school is like sitting in your living room at home and wearing a T-shirt that says `Home.'" Let's face it: the only reason to wear Yale gear is to impress people--as it is the Chanel of university clothing--and to make up for a lack of actual clothes. The solution is twofold. Wear Yale stuff off-campus, and buy some real clothes to put in your closet. If you really want to have school spirit, forget "Lux et Veritas," and wear a shirt with the real slogans of Yale: "I have so much work," or "I have three papers due on Friday."

Dope: Layering.

Nope: Little boxy Gap button-downs over white tees (girls) and flannels over anything, especially Yale gear (guys).

Layering looks great and is useful in the New England climate. Nothing looks better on a girl than a luxurious turtleneck underneath a peacoat or a carcoat. For something a little edgier, try layering a sheer or near-sheer sweater over a tank, brightly colored shirt, or long sleeve T-shirt. Men can also sport the turtleneck-coat look and still look extremely masculine and in style. A V-neck sweater over a crew-neck T-shirt is also a male classic. Some forms of layering, however, need to stop. The little Gap-bot 2000 dark blue boxy button-down over the fitted T-shirt thing is out of control. Maybe Yale men are not the sons of Eli but children of Paul Bunyan, hence the plaid flannel Aberzombie-vomit-over-anything look. Quit moonlighting as lumberjacks.

Now that wasn't excessively judgmental and fashion-y, was it? Seriously, don't fret if you are the perpetrator of any these unfortunate fashion mistakes. It does not require a lot of money, effort, or fashion sense to rectify the situation.

Your best bet is to buy a few classic, quality items that look good on you, replace what is unflattering, recognize offending items, and stop wearing them--there's no need for a closet overhaul.

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