Harvard will be eating more than dirt this time

November 22, 1996. Thirty-three years to the day after the CIA-sponsored slaying of one of its favorite sons, Harvard University defeats Yale University in football. As the clock winds down and asses freeze against the poorly-designed concrete step-seats of Harvard Stadium, Yale's heroic last-minute drive comes up just short. A collective sigh is heaved on the Yale side, and the band strikes up a rousing rendition of "Down the Field." "Bright College Years" is played, and the sons and daughters of Eli, losers of The Game but never their collective dignity, sing proudly, safe in the knowledge of their school's superiority over Harvard in almost every imaginable way.

The bastard children of John Harvard, on the other hand, stream onto the field and show their true colors.

In front of the Yale stands, one kid hops around like a third-grader whose mom forgot to give him his Ritalin, both hands raised in the always-classy one-finger salute. Scores of others get down on the ground, and--I kid you not--dry-hump the football field. That's right, kids. The Harvard students showed their joy at winning a game by trying to screw a piece of dirt with their pants still on.

This is the type of behavior we've all come to expect from Harvard folk. Sexually incompetent, socially immature, and just plain stupid, they get confused when something, somehow, goes right for them. It's hard not to pity them; so used to frustration, they don't know how to deal with the success that's taken for granted by Yale students.

One only wonders how they'll act when they get their asses handed to them by the Yale football team on Saturday, when their only claim to superiority over the past three years gets ripped away by their superiors yet again. They'll probably try to pee on us as we climb onto our buses. Or maybe they'll try to take some consolation in the attempted carnal embrace of the Harvard Stadium turf again. It's hard to tell with Harvard types--their sorry mental condition, as evidenced by their delusions of grandeur, makes their behavior unpredictable.

A list of ways in which Yale is superior to Harvard would go on longer than the Starr Report, so I'll use only examples from the entertainment world to illustrate this obvious point. Compare Yale's Academy Award-winning actresses to Harvard's. We've got Meryl Streep, DRA '75, and Jodie Foster, CC '84, who have won critical acclaim in film after film. All they've got is Mira Sorvino, who won her Oscar by playing an airheaded prostitute (drawing, no doubt, on her Harvard education) and went on to star in Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion. And what about Matt Damon? Only after he dropped out of Harvard did he become one of the hottest actors in Hollywood. In fact, his biggest success, Good Will Hunting, proves that the smartest kids in the Boston area live in Southie, not Cambridge.

Even cooler than Streep and Foster, however, is the fact that Harvard will get spanked at the Game this year like they've never been spanked before. They'll get wrecked like Teddy Kennedy on Dollar Shooters Night at Bowe and Arrow. They'll get beaten like Harvard "man" Bill Weld when he went up against Yalie John Kerry, JE '66, in the 1996 Massachusetts senatorial election.

Even a Harvard student could figure out how badly his school is going to be trounced this week -- it's in the numbers. While Yale beat the living snot out of Columbia, Harvard didn't fare as well against them, losing by 24 points on the opening weekend of the season. Likewise, while Yale rolled to victory over Brown early in the year, Harvard had a lot of trouble with those pesky Rhode Island kids, losing 27-6. Of course, numbers don't tell the whole story. Let's just take a short look at gridiron history. Hell, legendary Yale head coach Walter Camp practically invented football as it's played today; Notre Dame great Knute Rockne once bragged that he got most of his plays and schemes "from Yale--of course."

Football is our game, and 1998 is our year. A Yale victory is inevitable, Harvard. You're going down like Monica Lewinsky. The defeats of the past three years are about to be avenged. Tell the grounds crew to get ready, because there's going to be a hell of a lot of Harvard mess to clean up.

Brian Levinson is a senior in Davenport.

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