It doesn't take a Harvard genius to know Yale sucks
By Daniel Zahler
The fact of Yale's suckiness is one of life's truisms. As Heinrich von
Algorithm (Harvard '52) demonstrated in his famous mathematical proof, "A = B;
therefore, Yale = sucky." Just as the earth revolves around the sun, and e =
mc2, Yale sucks. We Harvardians hold these truths to be
self-evident. But for you misguided Yalies who may still have doubts, here's a
quick refresher course.
Yale was founded many years ago as a safety school for Harvard. "Not everyone
is smart enough to attend Harvard," said founder Eli Yale. This was also the
first motto of Yale University. From its inception, Yale's purpose has been to
make Harvard look better. Logic dictates that Harvard can't be "the best"
unless there exist other schools which are "not the best." Only in the light of
a second-rate institution can Harvard display its full glory.
Having lived in New Haven for my entire life, I can assert with unprecedented
confidence that Yale does indeed suck. Forget about Harvard's greater
selectivity, matriculation rate, and prestige--even without
these things I'd still want to get away from New Haven, that crime-filled
wasteland where I was mugged just two summers ago.
Imagine the life of a Yale freshman. You've already got an inferiority complex
after being rejected from Harvard. This is made worse by the fact that your new
home looks like a Gothic dungeon, your classmates are all artsy-fartsy freaks,
and there's nothing to do in New Haven to escape from it all. Transferring to
Harvard (or anywhere else) could be the only escape from a life of mediocrity;
unfortunately, Harvard's admissions officers have what we call
Even the professors have penis envy for Harvard. An anonymous Yale
professor admitted, "I wish I could teach at Harvard. But Harvard rejected me
when they found out I bought my Ph.D. over the Internet. Also, I smell bad."
This professor, who shall remain nameless, recently received tenure from
The Yale/Harvard dichotomy can best be described in biblical terms. Leviticus
13:44 prophesied the first Yale student: "He is a leprous man, he is unclean:
the priest shall pronounce him unclean...his clothes shall be rent, and his
head bare, and he shall put a covering upon his upper lip, and shall cry
`Unclean! Unclean!'" By contrast, God said unto John Harvard, "And I will make
thee exceedingly fruitful, and I will make nations of thee, and kings shall
come out of thee." (Genesis 17:6)
If this line of reasoning is beyond the mental capacity of some Yale
students or faculty, let us put it in terms that are understandable even to
small children. Any child could tell you that Yale rhymes with "jail," "fail,"
and "Quayle." Coincidence? I think not.
One need only look at the leaders our schools have produced as evidence of
Harvard's dominance. Harvard was the school of choice for Teddy Roosevelt,
Franklin Roosevelt, and John F. Kennedy, three of this century's greatest
presidents. Yale, on the other hand, educated Bill Clinton. His impeachment
hearings are just another example of a Yalie making a fool of himself. Of
course, any Harvard student could have told you that entrusting a Yalie with
our nation's highest office was a mistake.
Yale has become so desperate that it's now a safety school for other safety
schools (like Princeton and Brown). I don't know all the requirements for
applying to Yale, but I do know that one part involves "coloring inside the
lines." If you're going to attend a safety school, you might as well go to one
with a better social life, like the University of Florida. Or one with a better
reputation, like Huckleberry State.
Don't take my word for it--talk to students at each school and the facts
become strikingly clear. Says John Rockefeller Vanderbilt, Harvard Class of
2002, "In high school, I was homecoming king, captain of three varsity teams,
and the valedictorian." His illegitimate cousin Wayne got rejected from Harvard
and is now a freshman at Yale. "I like farm animals," says Wayne, who received
a full scholarship. "Moo, moo! Let's go play with the rabbits." The conclusion?
Yale makes its best effort, while Harvard goes home and screws the prom
Even if Yale somehow manages to get its heads out of its ass and win The Game,
it won't really faze us at Harvard. No matter who wins, only one team has to go
back to a school that sucks.
Daniel Zahler is the editor-in-chief of The Harvard Independent.
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