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It doesn't take a Harvard genius to know Yale sucks

By Daniel Zahler

The fact of Yale's suckiness is one of life's truisms. As Heinrich von Algorithm (Harvard '52) demonstrated in his famous mathematical proof, "A = B; therefore, Yale = sucky." Just as the earth revolves around the sun, and e = mc2, Yale sucks. We Harvardians hold these truths to be self-evident. But for you misguided Yalies who may still have doubts, here's a quick refresher course.

Yale was founded many years ago as a safety school for Harvard. "Not everyone is smart enough to attend Harvard," said founder Eli Yale. This was also the first motto of Yale University. From its inception, Yale's purpose has been to make Harvard look better. Logic dictates that Harvard can't be "the best" unless there exist other schools which are "not the best." Only in the light of a second-rate institution can Harvard display its full glory.

Having lived in New Haven for my entire life, I can assert with unprecedented confidence that Yale does indeed suck. Forget about Harvard's greater selectivity, matriculation rate, and prestige--even without these things I'd still want to get away from New Haven, that crime-filled wasteland where I was mugged just two summers ago.

Imagine the life of a Yale freshman. You've already got an inferiority complex after being rejected from Harvard. This is made worse by the fact that your new home looks like a Gothic dungeon, your classmates are all artsy-fartsy freaks, and there's nothing to do in New Haven to escape from it all. Transferring to Harvard (or anywhere else) could be the only escape from a life of mediocrity; unfortunately, Harvard's admissions officers have what we call "standards."

Even the professors have penis envy for Harvard. An anonymous Yale professor admitted, "I wish I could teach at Harvard. But Harvard rejected me when they found out I bought my Ph.D. over the Internet. Also, I smell bad." This professor, who shall remain nameless, recently received tenure from Yale.

The Yale/Harvard dichotomy can best be described in biblical terms. Leviticus 13:44 prophesied the first Yale student: "He is a leprous man, he is unclean: the priest shall pronounce him unclean...his clothes shall be rent, and his head bare, and he shall put a covering upon his upper lip, and shall cry `Unclean! Unclean!'" By contrast, God said unto John Harvard, "And I will make thee exceedingly fruitful, and I will make nations of thee, and kings shall come out of thee." (Genesis 17:6)

If this line of reasoning is beyond the mental capacity of some Yale students or faculty, let us put it in terms that are understandable even to small children. Any child could tell you that Yale rhymes with "jail," "fail," and "Quayle." Coincidence? I think not.

One need only look at the leaders our schools have produced as evidence of Harvard's dominance. Harvard was the school of choice for Teddy Roosevelt, Franklin Roosevelt, and John F. Kennedy, three of this century's greatest presidents. Yale, on the other hand, educated Bill Clinton. His impeachment hearings are just another example of a Yalie making a fool of himself. Of course, any Harvard student could have told you that entrusting a Yalie with our nation's highest office was a mistake.

Yale has become so desperate that it's now a safety school for other safety schools (like Princeton and Brown). I don't know all the requirements for applying to Yale, but I do know that one part involves "coloring inside the lines." If you're going to attend a safety school, you might as well go to one with a better social life, like the University of Florida. Or one with a better reputation, like Huckleberry State.

Don't take my word for it--talk to students at each school and the facts become strikingly clear. Says John Rockefeller Vanderbilt, Harvard Class of 2002, "In high school, I was homecoming king, captain of three varsity teams, and the valedictorian." His illegitimate cousin Wayne got rejected from Harvard and is now a freshman at Yale. "I like farm animals," says Wayne, who received a full scholarship. "Moo, moo! Let's go play with the rabbits." The conclusion? Yale makes its best effort, while Harvard goes home and screws the prom queen.

Even if Yale somehow manages to get its heads out of its ass and win The Game, it won't really faze us at Harvard. No matter who wins, only one team has to go back to a school that sucks.

Daniel Zahler is the editor-in-chief of The Harvard Independent.

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