It's 1999: do you know what time it is?

Yes, it's that time of year. The tree is up on the Green, the Co-op is having sales to beat the Wiz, and soon enough we'll all be home pissing eggnog. But holiday joy will be overwhelming, and is it even possible to think of a more depressing day than Dec. 26? Let's face it: Christmas break revolves around New Year's Eve like the Earth revolves around the Sun. A&E asked three of its most daring reporters for the real dirt on the night of old flames and new beginnings.

The Big Crapple?

New Year's Eve is special. It's the one night when you get to see your mom and her friends get unabashedly drunk. It's the one night when you get to watch artists as diverse as Mariah Carey, Sinbad, and Fox Television's Mysterious Masked Magician perform live on TV in the space of an hour and a half. It's the one night when you feel okay about stealing a shopping cart and pushing your best friend around the neighborhood after midnight while he yells at the top of his lungs.

At least it is for me. I'm spending this New Year's Eve at my house in Suffern, N. Y., the place where all of my extra-special New Year's memories have occurred. Although Suffern's only 29 miles away from the heart of Manhattan, a mere 45-minute drive from Dick Clark and his magical, luminescent ball, I'm not gonna make the trek this year. I'll be staying at home with a few good friends, five or six bottles of Turning Leaf, and my worn-out editions of Clue and Pictionary. For I have been to New York on New Year's before, and I am never going back. Sure, it looks like fun on TV. But trust me, it's not.

First of all, there's the weather. It's always something like five degrees outside, and the winds scream up Broadway and rip the skin off your face. Unless you have a space heater tucked away inside your parka, you will die within 20 minutes. And unless you show up in Times Square at 4 p.m., you will not get to see the ball drop. You'll be stuck on Ninth Avenue, watching derelicts smoke crack behind the Port Authority. You see, the cops barricade the streets at 10 p.m. Then, in the surliest manner possible, they start herding the crowd, lemming-like, toward the Hudson River. If you're lucky, you'll manage to dodge the cops on 42nd Street and take an uptown subway one stop, to Broadway and 51st. Once you get there, you'll have to sneak over a barricade like an infantryman at Verdun to watch the festivities from nine blocks away.

Oh, and the crowd you'll be watching them with! Real New Yorkers don't go to Times Square for New Year's--they stay in their homes like normal people. So you'll be sharing the special moment with thousands of folks from Passaic and Metuchen who are real excited to be in The Big City and won't hesitate to show it by making out with each other, yelling "Whoooo!" in your ear, or barfing on your coat. If you're drunk, you might make some new best friends. If you're not, you might find yourself in an extra-fun fistfight. But since you've been standing out in the cold for an hour and a half, you'll have lost sensation in your entire body and won't be able to feel the blows that the Jerseyites land on you.

This is what you'll be in for if you go to New York for New Year's Eve. Don't say I didn't warn you.

--Brian Levinson

Drunk 'n' chic

Humankind is just a few steps away from partying like it's 1999.

Somewhere between inebriation and the ball dropping in Times Square, we decide that the dawn of a New Year is the perfect moment to rectify our lives. Everyone from Jenny Craig to Oprah has endless suggestions for self-improvement. Lord knows Oprah's first New Year's resolution should be never, ever to attempt to sing her theme song again. New Year's resolutions for the typical American, however, range from the ubiquitous stop smoking/eating/drinking regimen to the nouveau more Yoga/more Deepak Chopra lifestyle maintenance.

Yet it is pointless even to feign an attempt at a complete life transformation. Can you really change your life as quickly as you tack up the January page of your Pamela Anderson calendar? Real inner change takes time and effort. So this season, I propose some simple, stylish New Year's resolutions for an all-new you.

1. Try a new look: As if legitimate media entities such as Jenny Jones and Sally Jesse Raphael are not proof enough, a makeover can truly transform your life. You can go from hoochie to Harvard, yo-boy to Yale, or putz to Princeton in a matter of hours. Although the word is menacing, a makeover does not mean a complete obliteration of personal style, a masking of your personality, or hours of preparation every day. It is simply a matter of tweaking your already wonderful attributes. A haircut or color is a great place to start. Guys, for example, can now let go of the part-down-the-middle-hair-flop-to-the-ears look promulgated by seventh graders. Keep in mind that George Clooney's Caesar and the General Hospital hair flip have also been rocked to death by townies nationwide. Resolve to keep it short and neat. Girls, we can cease using Jennifer Aniston and horses as our hair role models. It is tiresome to see hair with more layers than Dante's Inferno, and I find it quite annoying indeed to get whacked in the corneas every time a girl with a butt-length mane decides to toss and giggle in my cardinal direction.

2. Take a gander at your closet: I hate to be redundant, but clothes are the easiest things to change and the quickest way to make an impression. Eliminate acid wash, pleats (unless it is in a skirt), tapers, and ill-fitting items, regardless of emotional attachments. With (no) apologies to The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, this doesn't mean you can sport a raspberry beret, butt-baring pants, and shaboogie bop like it's 1999. Keep it classic, clean, and fun in the coming year. Fashion for 1999 has resolved to keep you ensconced in shades of gray and fighting against the future. You don't have to go as far as strapping on a bulletproof vest, but resolve to do something new and unexpected.

3. Attitude: It is so simple, it is monosyllabic. You can be wearing the nicest clothes, have the buffest body, be blessed with the most beautiful face, and still be ugly. The worst fashion accessory (other than a faux Prada bag) is a funky attitude. Have a smile and a compliment for everyone you see. Walk with confidence. If you are wearing booty pants, then shake that booty proudly up Science Hill. Uncross your arms when you walk, ladies. Don't be ashamed of what's under that shirt. Think positive and don't be arrogant, even if you do have the freshest look. The sexiest feature on anyone, man or woman, is a kind, honest heart. These resolutions, along with a little stylistic maneuvering, will keep you looking and feeling your best in 1999.

--Jamil V. Moen

It may be your last...

There are a lot of things that I'm not really looking forward to. Final exams are one example. The next Carrot Top movie is another. I could also do without hearing the Olsen Twins' new remix of NWA's "Fuck the Police."

Yet, whatever my misgivings about the near future, none seem as greatly feared (or as widely anticipated) as the dawn of the next millennium and the worldwide disasters it may bring. Oh no, I'm not crazy. The National Enquirer, The Globe, and that guy wearing the "Bring Out Your Dead" sign in The Stand all agree that The End is near. Sure, The Globe may have been way off with that "Elvis Presley is really a rabbi living in Bridgeport" story, but no one's right all the time.

There certainly are a number of not-so-hopeful signs that add credence to the belief that the apocalypse is upon us. Social hysteria has led to a number of bizarre developments. Armageddon was the No. 1 movie of the year, Mo Vaughn is officially an Anaheim Angel, and the Branford intramural hockey team actually won a game. Not to mention that the religious studies department is "suddenly" offering a class on apocalyptic religion and end-of-time beliefs--because if the whole world is going to hell, you might as well write a 15 to 20 page paper about it before it happens.

Well, if we only have one more year to live, at least we'll get to see the new Star Wars movie (only 168 days to go, but who's counting?). And I guess the Class of '99 gets to graduate, but that's just about it for sweeping events in what might be the last year of human existence. As far as New Year's resolutions are concerned, don't expect to get anything constructive done. How important is losing those couple extra pounds compared to an imminent, earth-ending devastation?

But seriously, what will really happen when the year 2000 is upon us? There are, shockingly enough, signs of world preservation, the most hopeful of which is that all past end-of-the-world predictions have been wrong. This will probably continue. Jan. 1, 2000 might only result in the failure of thousands of computer programs, large-scale social confusion involving how to write down dates, and a bunch of really embarrassed--not to mention pissed off--Jehovah's Witnesses. This will be followed by even more apocalypse-driven fervor, as thousands of religious cults, duped by the lack of fire and brimstone, justify it with the argument that the millenium doesn't really start until 2001. When that prediction fails, they'll probably just blame it on us Jews. Dammit.

--Aaron Zamost

Graphic by Sara Edward-Corbett.

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