Calhoun

There are no gender issues in men's basketball, as A- and B-hoops are both Born to Run. The A boys should knock their opponents around, led by captain Greg "Do you like laserdiscs or tapes?" Magee '99. With Ugo "Hello, Daddy" Ude '01, Amar "Hi, I've been here for 20 years" Mann '99, and Nate Stoner "You brought her, you Stoner!" '99 up front, their opponents will be crying, "I'm Going Down."

B-hoops is even more formidable with the two guys from the Darkness on the Edge of Town: Jacob "Don't do the homework, don't come to class, I don't ever want to see you again" Wouden '99 and Rasika Jayasekera "You brought her, you Jayasekera!" '99. They can't do it alone, though, and that's why co-captain John "I'm a rocker" Hyman '01 is there along with Steve "The Wild" Petrie '01, Jerad "The Innocent" Beltz '00, and Matthew "and the E Street Shuffle" Shaddock '00.

That brings us to women's hoops, which is ready to Prove It All Night. With captain Aubrey "How do you measure a Tiane?" Jennings '01 at the helm, the team has been practicing at six every morning with the hope of starting an Incident on 57th Street. With Angela "My home state is the title of a Springsteen album" Campbell '99, Darcy "I'm the first freshman mentioned in" Wiecks '02, Liz "I'm the first soccer player mentioned since the last person" Laderoute '99, Tori "No relation to the man who signed Bruce to Columbia Records, John" Hammond '00, and a host of talented players in the mix, these 'Hounies want it All Or Nothin' At All.

When Bruce wrote "Iceman," he could only have been referring collectively to the Calhoun ice hockey team, which has restocked its roster for this season. Captain Emily "Dan got his first little league hit off a kid named Pat" Sheehy '00 is one of a number of experienced returners, like Peter "You brought her, you Peter!" Smith '00, Brannan "You order Chinese food? He's coming down, [expletive deleted]!" Schell '01 and Grace "Sonny" Rollins '01.

The men's volleyball team is comprised of players whom I already mentioned, but one cannot overlook the play of Matthew "Herald Sports Bitch" Goldenberg '99 or Chip "Raymond" Morris '99.

The women's team should be strong again with the return of captain Celina "Where's the Calhoun flag?" Apostolo '99. "I put my hand up on your hip, when I dip you dip" Jess Ip '00 is back as well, along with Shirley "You jest" Udekwu '00 and a host of other players too numerous to list here, who will offer No Surrender.

(Compiled by a Calhoun IM secretary celebrating Bruce Springsteen's election to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame by making 12 Springsteen references in this here story. And oh, by the way, Calhoun will dominate in the winter. After all, they have The Bert.)

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