ELItorial: Big sweaty men and cold metal statues

By David Goldenberg

Ah, autumn. The leaves change colors, the temperature drops, and a sports fan's fancy turns to college football. In particular, to how much the ACC sucks.

This was supposed to be the ACC's year. After dominating the NCAA for years in basketball and soccer, the conference was just starting to garner attention for their football program. The ACC's decline came before autumn even had a chance to show its stuff. Sure, Virginia managed a lucky win over Auburn, and Duke managed to beat a decrepit Northwestern squad, but all is not right on the Eastern seaboard.

After Mack Brown departed last year for Texas, new North Carolina head coach Carl Torbush was left with lots of talent but few returning starters. He evidently forgot to put anyone else in for them as UNC, a preseason top 10 pick, lost to Miami in Tar Heel country. Did I mention that this Miami is in the Central time zone?

Florida State sucks. Why, you ask? Why not? They lost by 17 points to N.C. State, which hasn't won an important football game in so long that confused Wolfpack fans tried to cut down the nets Jimmy V. style.

Maybe if FSU got a QB who could complete some passes to his own teammates, the Seminoles would be able to pick up the pieces of their wasted season. As it stands, I smell a 7-5 season that just may be enough to get them into the Poulan Weedeater Independence Bowl. The only reason they'll get that far is because they play in the ACC.

Georgia Tech lost to a team that hasn't won on national television since Doug Flutie got a prayer answered. Boston College is so bad that they had to come from behind to beat Rutgers last Saturday.

No doubt Clemson fans will be calling for more than coach Tommy West's resignation on a plate after last Saturday's debacle in Death Valley, where the Tigers were spanked 37-0 by a bunch of Hokies.

And then there's Wake Forest. I'm not sure who's dumber: Sports Illustrated for ranking them in the top 25 or Air Force for bothering to play them. And Wake Forest's QB is a guy named Kuklick.

Everyone knows that the most important moment of college ball is when that little bronze man is handed over at the Downtown Athletic Club. No matter how many times last year's Heisman winner Charles Woodson gets burned by the likes of Andre Rison, he will always have his trophy.

The Heisman is awarded in basically the same manner as the Oscar for best picture: a bunch of drunk old people call out names from a list until they agree on which one had the most preseason hype. Not that I watch the Oscars. And this year's Heisman candidates are...

Ricky Williams--both of them. There's one at Texas and one at Texas Tech, and both of them will end up rushing for more than 2,000 yards. If Texas' Williams pulls that off, he will become the career NCAA Division I rushing leader. Unfortunately, neither he nor his homonym plays for a title contender, so any chance they have for glory will be down the tubes by mid-October.

Tim Couch would win, except he plays for Kentucky, which would have an easier time convincing Rick Pitino to come back than winning seven games. Even if Couch continues to throw for over 400 yards a game, the only SEC team Kentucky might beat is Vanderbilt.

Perhaps the candidate to watch this season is Daunte Culpepper. Oh, wait, I forgot. You can't watch because Culpepper is down at Central Florida putting up his gargantuan stats against teams like Eastern Illinois in games that hardly make the cut for national syndication. Like Air McNair, Culpepper will have to wait until the NFL to get his due.

Let's not forget Donovan McNabb, Syracuse's high-flying quarterback who led the Orangemen to a thorough stomping of last year's national champs, Michigan, in the Horseshoe in front of 110,000-plus fans. No, never mind, let's forget him, since his team was beaten by a Manning-less Tennessee squad the week before.

The man who will take the trophy is Shaun Alexander, Alabama's junior tailback. When Alabama gets into the Fiesta Bowl after defeating Florida for the second time in the SEC championship game, the Heisman committee will have no choice but to give it to Alexander. Who will the Crimson Tide be playing in the national championship game? I don't know, but I can assure you it won't be a team from the ACC.

John Hyman contributed to this article.

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