Monica, the News Slayer

Cluefon
    By Dan Dudis

Ask any of my friends and they will tell you that I'm pretty opinionated. After all, I write opinion columns. And I've never really had a problem coming up with topics to write about. Until now. I knew I had to come up with a column by the time I got back from break. But as the days rolled by, nothing happened. Nothing. For the first time in my young life as an opinion columnist, I had no opinions. Every night I would turn on the news in the desperate hope that something would strike me as column-worthy. And every night it was the same story. Impending impeachment. Impeachment. Forthcoming Senate trial. Senate trial begins. Senate trial continues. And continues. And continues. When will it ever end?

Consider: I used to enjoy watching the nightly news. My favorite part of the New York Times used to be the front section. Now I reach for Sunday Styles, Money & Business—hell, even Sports. Large parts of my favorite magazine, The Economist, now go unread. I turn immediately to news of—what else?—British scandals: gay mafias and underhanded financial dealings. Anything to avoid Bill. And Monica. And Lucianne, and Linda, and Vernon, and Betty, and Ken, and...our collective consciousness has been scarred by these names, these images. We cannot escape.

And so tonight, as I write this, I write it with the knowledge that in five hours, at 11:00, the inestimable Larry Flynt is to announce the names of five Republican congressmen and one GOP senator. These men (I presume), the Hustler Six, are all guilty, according to Flynt, of hypocrisy. As they persecute (prosecute?) the president for crimes that stem from his inability to keep his pants zipped and his humidor closed, all six have apparently been engaging in extracurricular activities of their own. Who are they and what have they done? Only time and Flynt will tell. But sex with foreign, underage prostitutes and closeted homosexuality have both been the subjects of rumor.

This little drama has, I must admit, piqued my interest—but only in the way I anticipate Krystal-Alexis cat fights on old Dynasty reruns. In short, the Lewinsky scandal and its associated mini-dramas, which have engulfed Washington for the past year, are only remotely interesting when they become New York Post Page-Six-worthy. And even then only for a short time.

In an era when many, especially the young, are accused of being apathetic and grossly uninformed, with this stuff in the headlines, can you blame us? I used to make a point of keeping abreast of current events. Not anymore. Why watch the news when the news is nothing more than a second-rate soap opera, the actors all fat or sporting bad hair? What's the point? You aren't informed of anything substantive, nor are you emotionally or aesthetically drawn to any of the cast. Peter, Dan, and Tom, are, quite frankly, purveying nothing more than a bad Spelling knockoff. At least on Melrose, it's Heather Locklear playing the seductress and not an overweight valley girl named Monica S. Lewinsky (as the Times insists on referring to our favorite intern). Ally McBeal, Dawson's Creek, Buffy the Vampire Slayer: all are infinitely preferable to whatever comes out of Washington these days. Even Larry Flynt can barely keep up the interest level in this sordid little tale.

All this is sad, because, as this former news junkie seems to recall, there are many important issues confronting our country, such as an aging populace, a resurgent Europe, and Christian fundamentalism, just to name a few. Shouldn't these problems consume the attention of the media, and more importantly, of those in Washington? Even more essentially, confronting these issues requires an educated and informed public. And yet even as I write, newspaper subscriptions are being cancelled, news programs are being turned off. We are sick of all the stories about the president and the hussy. News should consist of matters of importance, and soaps should consist of Spelling and of Locklear, of Darren Star and of Sarah Michelle, and of Jennifer Love, and never, ever the twain shall meet. Video killed the radio star; Monica has killed the informed citizen and the intelligent news broadcast.

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