From the Sidelines: Looking for heroes? Try pro wrestling

By Christopher Burke

Our president is on trial, Michael Jordan is retiring, and Larry Flynt is now one of Washington's biggest movers and shakers. It's safe to say that America's search for new heroes needs to begin now. But forget about all those hypocritical world leaders and overpaid professional athletes. Hell, forget about people who actually do good for the world, too, because America seems to have found its new icon--a beer-swilling, middle-finger-raising, swearing, boss-hating S.O.B. Enter Stone Cold Steve Austin.

That's right. The World Wrestling Federation's biggest attraction is now also one of the nation's brightest stars. And he's carrying his "sport" right along with him. In malls throughout the country, kids are begging their parents to buy them Austin T-shirts, bandanas, hats, and just about anything else you can throw a price tag on. Pro wrestling is hot.

I know what you're thinking. What could be the appeal of watching a bunch of overmuscled clowns go around and pretend to bash each other's brains in on a weekly basis? If you check the weekly television ratings, plenty. Every week, pro wrestling's two biggest TV shows, the WWF's Raw is War and its competition, WCW's Monday Nitro, occupy the top slots in the cable Nielsen ratings. Both shows, which air head-to-head on Monday nights, have been cited as one of the reasons that ABC's "Monday Night Football" received its lowest ratings in years. People are tuning in to watch Austin and Co.'s latest exploits.

Why do they watch? Simply, because this isn't the same pro wrestling you remember as a kid. It's grown up, in a big way. No longer do you find the force of good going against the force of evil, with the "good guy" saving the world from the evil wrath of his villain counterpart. These days, wrestling operates in a much wider gray area, with few clear good guys and bad guys. Instead of just a simple match between two wrestlers, the pro wrestling business now relies as much on story-telling and angles as it does on actual competition.

And it's the angles that have fans reaching for the remote controls. Over the past few months, the WWF has run its main story, that of Austin vs. Vince McMahon (the actual owner of the WWF--according to the story, enemy of the rebellious Austin). McMahon has tried to do everything in his corporate power to keep Austin away from the WWF title, but Austin won't back down. He's kidnapped McMahon, nailed him with chairs, assaulted his kids, had him arrested, dumped cement in his Corvette, and given him the finger about 3,000 times. Like I said, this isn't the wrestling you remember--Austin by no means operates as a clear-cut "good guy." If anything, he's a complete and total ass, but the fans eat up every bit of it. He does the things that they'd all like to do to their bosses, if only they were blessed with the guts of Stone Cold.

Wrestling has become a "soap opera for men," as numerous publications have written. Fans watch because they want to see what will happen next in the story. Of course, they don't mind seeing guys take diving leaps into the crowd or pretend to drive each other through the mat with body slams either.

Those who write off pro wrestling as a waste of time or a joke commonly say, "Well, all the matches are scripted, and the wrestling is fake." Wow, what a news flash. I have a feeling that every fan over the age of six realizes this fact and is in on the "joke." Yes, wrestling is scripted. But no more scripted than Ally McBeal or Melrose Place. I've got news for everyone: Heather Locklear doesn't really hate her co-stars; her character hates the other characters. Wrestling operates the same way. In real life, we know that Austin and McMahon probably get along fine. But it's fun to watch them pretend to hate each other in and out of the ring on Raw.

As for wrestling's "fake" athleticism, it's certainly true that when a wrestler is getting stomped in the corner of the ring, the boots he's feeling aren't going to break any ribs. But wrestlers are still athletes, and they are not immune to injury. In a match earlier this year, WWF star Mick Foley suffered a dislocated shoulder, a bruised kidney, a dislocated jaw, and two lost teeth. Yet he finished the contest and wrestled again two weeks later. Find me one baseball player who, with the above medical report, would be back in the lineup that quickly.

And who knows? With our current president's precarious situation and with Jesse "The Body" Ventura signing bills in Minnesota, could the day come when we'll be swearing in President Stone Cold? Wrestling fans, mimicking their hero's trademark catchphrase, might respond, "Oh, hell, yeah!"

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