Calhoun

With the return of the NBA, I'm in a men's basketball mood.... It's funny that everyone is making such a fuss about Michael Jordan retiring, because it really isn't all that big a deal to the denizens of 189 Elm Street. Calhoun has so many Jordanesque players in such a wide variety of sports that the coverage of Mike's retirement press conference on ESPN, ESPN2 and ESPNews seemed a bit of overkill. After all, if any member of the Calhoun C-hoops team were to retire, ESPN would have to create another network for which to carry 24-hour highlights of the likes of Ivan "Wouldn't it be funny if your house burned down? I didn't think so" Yi '99, Nate "This is the bomb" Beyor '01, Khe "Does she think I'm good looking?" Hy '01, Steve "The difference" Rosenthal '00, and Chi-Chi. And what's the deal with the Bulls? Signing Scottie Pippen only to trade him for Roy Rogers and a second-round pick? Surely they could get more value by dealing him to the Calhoun B-hoops team. Of course, captains John "I couldn't find her" Hyman '01 and Jacob "10 degrees? It's warm enough for shorts" Wouden '99 would have a hard time pulling the trigger on a deal, with the talent and chemistry already on the team. Could you imagine a B-hoops team without Rasika "I want to have Tim Couch's baby" Jayasekera '99, Will "I'm with stupid" Goldfarb '00, Adam "Therefore, I must be stupid, because my brother is with me" Goldfarb '02, and a host of others who will get their names mentioned as long as they show up to games regularly.

If the Nuggets think they can build a franchise around Antonio McDyess, they must not be paying attention to his two-dimensional game of blocked shots and dunks. All they need to do is look at the Calhoun A-hoops team for some franchise players. There just aren't enough shots for so many superstars. One look at the roster (Greg "Mister" Magee '99, Amar "I ain't a boy, no I'm a" Mann '99, Ugo "What's his deal?" Ude '01, J.W. "I'm glad I jumped off that sinking ship" Craft '99, and Dan "I'll be back" Goldstein '00), and you'll understand why the NBA scouts are all over their games.

(Compiled by an IM secretary who doesn't wants to be like Mike because he likes Hebrew National, not Ballpark.)

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