Ivy League Notebook

In a scene familiar to all of us at Yale, Cornell students have been dodging scaffolding, debris, and smelly guys in hard hats this year. Their perseverance has paid off, however, as exterior renovations on McGraw Tower have been completed ahead of schedule. All that remains to be done is the replacement of the 21 bells which were formerly housed in the tower and currently reside in temporary housing known as the "swing space."

According to project director Jim Bucko (if that is his real name), the bells will be back soon. He attributed the successful recovery to "the weather," and went on to predict that Cornell football will go undefeated in 1999 based on "his horoscope."

Brown

Brown students are experiencing the same frustration as their Yalie counterparts, as Brown officials have failed to come through on a pledge to bring cable to student dormitories. Citing insufficient development in their plot to bilk students out of their money by charging them twice for their cable service, administrators now swear they will make cable available as soon as they have a proper pyramid scheme in place. Comcast reportedly is playing no role in the Brown situation.

The Brown admistration is currently considering a plan to install cable in dorm rooms, but then block out all the good channels the next time students go on vacation.

Columbia

In a scientific breakthrough that has caused many white-coated, surgical-glove-wearing individuals to pop open corks in celebration, Columbia neurologist Dr. Ralph Sacco announced that the results of his study prove that alcohol has health benefits.

This reult is not a surprise to everyone. According to perpetually ailing Russian President Boris Yeltsin, "Vodka is good. Send us more money. Or vodka." Representatives of Delta Kappa Epsilon could not be reached for comment.

--Compiled by Dave Oppenheim from The Cornell Sun, The Brown Daily Herald, and the Columbia Spectator

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