Smack Zone

Ax
The Sixers are 3-0, men's basketball won, and I'm in last place. Something is seriously wrong here. 'Tis the season for love, so I don't know why my Knicks didn't show any last week. That's all going to change this week, even though everyone's favorite thug, Latrell, won't be around to miss more jump shots. The Knicks sweep this week's games ($1,000 each). Squash takes the Ivy title vs. Harvard ($800), while men's swimming will drown Brown ($1,000). Oh, and $10 says Morris' joke about Ray Giroux isn't funny. Last Week: -$500. Current Balance: $3,005.

Goldenberg
In the spirit of horny ol' St. Val, this smack goes out to all my peeps that are lonely this weekend. As the Z-man would say, "What doesn't kill you off, gets you off." I agree, and his Bruins will go undefeated this week ($1,000). Unfortunately, I can't relate, so Z-man, have fun. But back to the theme. My Blazers will wine, dine, and 69 their way to victory this week ($2,000), and Yale's men's hockey team will come from behind to take the Cantabs ($1,000) as Westy rejects at least 25 Crimson advances ($2,500). Speaking of sticking it to the opposition, notice how many valentines yours truly got compared to my co-editors. Payback time, suckas. Last Week: +$3,005. Current Balance: $4,509.

Morris
Fine, so I took it in the ass last week, but I'm still light years ahead of my special-school counterparts. "Hi, I'm Dave. I'm a southern incestuous monkey." "Hi, I'm Joey. Ray Giroux broke his arm jacking me off." "Hi, I'm Alison Morris; get out o' my office." Boys, take notes. Men's hockey will scrawl a big fat "w" on the bathroom wall this weekend ($750). Swimming sloshes, squash squashes, and Altschuler's herpes get me nauseous ($1,000 for the first two, $5 for the third). Da Lawn Guylanders shoot a load of goals and sandbag the Hurricanes ($750). Finally, I confess my love for the Z-man, but he rejects me for some other Berkeleyite ($1). Ah, it's Valentine's Day. There ain't nothin' but love in the air. Oh yeah, love and Beta. Last Week: -$750. Current Balance: $5,749.

Guest Albert Chen
Back to Smack, the place where I dominated many seasons ago, back in the day when Goldenberg wasn't stinking up page 22. The big matchup of the weekend is Maryland-Carolina, and even without the big man, the Terps will come up huge with a win ($2,500). The Pacers-Lakers clash is an inevitable Finals preview. Give me Kobe and the return of Showtime for $3,000. As long as Bill Walton isn't calling the game, it should be an early-season classic. The Bulls get in the win column, knocking off Duncan and the Spurs ($2,000). And Message in a Bottle tanks big time this weekend ($1,500). Last Week: -$1,000. Current Balance: $3,960.

Albert Chen is a Herald senior editor. He often wears a kilt. He won Pick the Pros this week. Try your luck at www.yale.edu/herald/pickthepros.

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