Tricky Vicky's catalog gets sticky

COURTESY VICTORIA'S SECRET What the hell are you doing reading this caption

When the loyal lingerie lemmings returned a few days later, they were treated to a mangled melange of extremities and bra straps. Visiting the site, www.victoriassecret.com, after the initial testosterone flood facilitated a clearer viewing of Paris, France, and Stephanie Seymour's underpants. One could finally bear witness to the shaped construction, patterned silks, and plush velvets that comprise the finest that Victoria has to offer. Or they could be like everyone else and look forward to more breast and thigh than there are in a dozen buckets from KFC. Regardless of the reason, the net congestion and news hysteria surrounding this multimedia extravaganza laid (almost) bare the immense power of underwear. For a garment that can't or shouldn't be seen, the drawers in your drawers have become an increasingly integral part of American consumer culture.

Victoria's Secret, a paragon of Americana, enjoys an omnipotent reign over the world of women's skivvies. Yet, as proven through the masculine melée on the Internet, this intoxicating world of panty pleasure resonates with both sexes. Let's face it, though--chiffon pegnoirs, silk g-strings, and satin demi-cups only look good on women. Ladies all over the country enjoy shopping at the Pepto-puke colored Victoria's Secret boudoirs, wearing beautiful undergarments, and sporting something sexy underneath their suits or sweatpants. The popularity of this chain, however, is compounded by the fact that men enjoy women's underwear almost as much as women do.

Transvestitism aside, both guys and gals are proud to peruse the panties. Although the boutiques are still relatively male-free (men sweating bullets still cluster at the gilded entrance), the catalog, as well as the runway show, remains pointedly geared towards men. You may remember Laetitia Casta and Tyra Banks as the four best reasons to purchase Sports Illustrated. Pictures of voluptuous vixens cavorting with crossed arms, raised rumps, and spread legs never show what they are really selling in its entirety (or maybe they do). Women all over the world must be frustrated with having to unstick the pages of the new catalog when they can't get to the mailbox fast enough. From the pictures, Victoria doesn't have room to keep a secret, much less a dollar bill. The Vicky's catalog does have more to offer both sexes than soft-core pornography. [No it doesn't -Ed.] Men and women look through the catalog together and agree which underwear looks best on the page, but they disagree on which underwear makes women look best.

Men do have more than one hand in the world of underwear (for complete lack of a better phrase). The explosive popularity of men's underwear fashion campaigns makes it clear that the American public has transcended "boxers or briefs?" We have a couple of men to thank for this phenomenon: Mr. USA himself, Ralph Lauren, and the favorite target of America's prudes and paranoids, Calvin Klein. Ralph Lauren has shown us that masculinity and underwear are as American as apple pie. The shot of a virile Tyson Beckford in his Polo tightie-whities peering into the distance against a clear blue sky echoes the American spirit and reflects strength, even in, well, your undies. Calvin Klein, meanwhile, has promulgated unabashed male sexuality in his wildly popular advertisements and billboards. Musclebound pop icons such as Marky Mark and Antonio Sabato, Jr., reflect the integration of fashion, underwear, and mainstream America that Klein seeks to create. What links the idea of masculinity and "draws" (as The Fresh Prince would say) more than a picture of quasi-rapper-cum-actor Mark Wahlberg mugging the camera and defiantly grabbing his Klein-clad crotch? No matter how titillating men's underwear advertisements are, they have proven themselves to be highly effective. The CK name has risen over the waistband of every guy I know.

In the end, and on your end, no one really sees your underwear but you. Americans, however, have blatantly ignored this edict and become proud purveyors of undergarments. High-end fashion houses and designers such as Prada, Gucci, and Allessandro Dell'Acqua have recognized the need not to be nude and have been peddling luxury underwear in the finest stores. Both men and women indulge in a private fashion statement, keeping in mind that if you get in an accident, you've got to have clean, and fashionable, underwear. And the answer to that eternal question? Try boxer briefs.

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