Long, steamy spring nights with the one you love

I do not watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I mean, didn't the movie of the same name do crappily at the box office? Who came up with the idea to turn it into a series? I make it a point to steer clear of any project that has ever involved Luke Perry. Oh, and if I have to read one more fashion magazine article titled "How You Can Get Buffy's Butt," someone is going down. Why would they think the general public would want to emulate any aspect of someone named "Buffy?"

But since some of you are able to brave shows like Buffy, I'm here to give a thumbnail sketch of what's been going on the past few weeks. This is also so you won't be lost when you're sitting home alone for spring break with nothing to do but watch TV (don't lie--we know you're a dork).

Ally McBeal

Though I know this horse has been beaten to death, I'm going to have to go there again: homegirl needs to go through the Freshman Fifteen--three times over. I would probably watch more but Tracey Ullman plays her psychiatrist and, like I always say, that woman needs a beating--a severe one. If you don't run away screaming every time she comes on the screen, please contact me and tell me your secret. Science should study you.

Friends

Okay, so Chandler and Monica have been bumping uglies for a few months now--it's getting old. Does the closeness of Ross and Monica's relationship bother anyone else? Forget Chandler; for a while there, I thought these two were going to get it on--the whole brother and sister thing aside. I swear, they know so much about each other, 10 bucks says they've seen each other's genitals. They talk about their sex lives in front of each other! That's just wrong! If I ever said anything about the physical aspect of my relationships to my brother, he'd just kind of smack me upside the head and send me on my way with a "keep it to yourself, Ugly." Isn't that a little more realistic?

Dawson's Creek

So Jack is gay. Hmmm...that kind of sucks for his girlfriend, Joey. I'll bet she feels pretty smart for leaving Dawson for a guy who now bats for the other team (not that there's anything wrong with that). Abby is a ho. What's up with these TV shows crawling with bitches? I don't know where you guys went to school--or maybe it's because at my high school "street fighting" was an elective--but that chick wouldn't have lasted a day where I come from. People were put in their place faster than the guests on the Jenny Jones Show. The first girl she talked trash about would have stepped up and, let me tell you, it would have been "Hair Pulling Extravaganza" time. I'd sell tickets--it would have been great.

And what about the fact that Dawson is, like, 40 years old? This must be another one of those Aaron Spelling shows where the high school characters are so old that they're on Viagra and wearing Depends.

And don't even get me started on Dawson's vocabulary. He's the personification of the verbal section of the SAT. After substantial rumination, I have inferred that his loquacious lexicon is unequivocally fallacious in nature given his callow age. Although I must admit, he's got a pretty sweet thing going on with his house. He doesn't have to worry about driving home drunk, he just kinda rows home.

Party of Five

Let me tell you why Party of Five is the most unrealistic show on television--after Walker, Texas Ranger. (Oh, come on--Chuck Norris making everything right with the world? What, are we in hell?) Now Julia is getting beaten up on a regular basis by her man, Ned. Apparently all these people know about it, but no one's really taking the reins here. That's how you know this show is not set in the South. Down in Texas, in no time there would have been five guys (who don't even necessarily have to know Julia) at the front door with pork rinds, rifles, and a sander ready to take care of business. Giddy up.

So there ya go. Just consider this what TV Guide looks like before the editors get a hold of it.

Or look at it this way: if none of the shows I've talked about here sound appealing anymore, you can always go for a night at the movies. Appreciate the fact that you're not in New Haven and you can go to a movie theater that doesn't play mostly alternafilms with names that you've never heard of before. But don't be too hasty about which movie you decide to see. Just don't
get me started about what's playing at York Square right now.

Graphic by Sara Edward-Corbett.

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