Smack Zone

Ax
Morris cheats. I'm sorry, but winning her bets last week was about as easy as she is on Friday nights. Bee-atch. Goldenberg (judging from his score) is either really dumb or from Alabama. If my co-editors have ever wondered what the phrase "Big D's up yo ass is bad for your health" really means, they're about to find out. Men's hockey sweeps this weekend ($1,000 each). Here's my Final Four: Duke, UConn, Miami, Arizona ($500 each--and I deserve a $2,000 bonus if I hit all four). The Rangers beat Morris' beloved Islanders ($1,000). Over spring break, the Knicks win at least nine of 13 ($1,300), while I lounge on a beach somewhere with Mrs. Aurelio ($5). Last Week: +$205. Current Balance: $5,460.

Goldenberg
Before I leave you all to go revel in the laziness and inebriation that is Spring Break '99, I'd like to tell you what some other people will be doing in that two-week span. First off, the Ax will be in the hospital as that stick gets surgically removed from his ass ($5). The Blazers will go to the tourney ($2,000), as will at least five teams from the Big East ($1,000) and six from the Big Ten. The Yale men's hoops team will get a new coach ($1,000), and Al and the Gelf will wake up naked on a beach somewhere in Central America ($5). And when they're not frolicking with the Barcelona Dragons' cheerleaders, the Yale rugby team will pick up at least two victories ($2,000). Last Week: +$2,500. Current Balance: $1,009.

Morris
So I cleaned up last week on the cushy bets, but I'm willing to take a chance and make my other editors bend over and take it good and proper. I'll put $1,000 on men's hockey taking a win this weekend. Since I think I'm in the company of sexually frustrated ice-chewers, I'll stick with the ice hockey theme and say the Islanders stomp on the Devils this Sunday ($1,000). Hell, let's throw it all on ice and take women's ice hockey with a win over Northeastern ($750). And here's going out on a limb: I'll say that over break Carl pulls the ice out from between his molars and gets some major booty ($25). Last Week: +$5,000. Current balance: $8,254.

Guest Mike Gelfand
You all suck. Everyone but me will either lose money or cower shamefully within the pathetic fortress of certainty ($100 apiece). That said, I'll make the obvious wager for hockey to go 2-0 this weekend ($1,000), winning by a total of at least two goals (another $300), and then to go on to win it all at ECACs ($3.14). Also, the Sixers will once again let down the 50 or so people who care, doing no better than one above .500 over break ($250). Finally, the Italian Stallion will meet his greatly deserved doom in Kazakhstan ($50), and a short, powerful man-boy will scowl at me between 11 p.m. on Thurs., Mar. 25, and 3 a.m. on Fri., Mar. 26 ($25). Last Week: +$350. Current Balance: $1,810.

Michael Gelfand, JE '01, is money. If you want to be money, go to pickthepros.

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