Around the Ivies

This just in: Cornell professors have ideas. The problem is, they just don't have their own ideas. Professor David Levitsky, for example, took his work from a student he was "advising," according to a lawsuit recently filed against him by that student.

The lawsuit, filed against both Levitsky and Cornell, asks for $20 million in punitive damages. If such a sum is awarded, of course, suing professors will become the most promising occupation for Cornell graduates.

Cornell officials only hope that they will be able to redirect students' litigiousness toward tracking down and suing plagiarizing professors at other, more successful institutions.

Harvard

Apparently, Yale is not the only Ivy League university with whiny, overpaid service unions. Donene Williams, the treasurer and former president of the Harvard Union of Clerical and Technical Workers (HUCTW) is up in arms over the fact that Harvard thinks it makes sense not to "pay a union worker $15 an hour when [they] can pay a contracted worker $6" for the same work. The fact that Harvard's administration can add is an unfair bargaining stance, she alleges. The HUCTW next plans to mount a loud, obnoxious, and totally futile protest outside the president's house because he unfairly makes more money than the workers do.

Columbia

Columbia reported a 20 percent decrease in its campus crime rate this year following the erection of a piranha-filled moat around the university. Machine-gunners in the guard towers reported less activity as well. Assistant Director of Security Ken Finnegan called Columbia "a safe campus." Finnegan went on to thank God for the fact that Columbia is nowhere near New Haven.

All was not fun and games, however. Among the statistics reported, "criminal mischief" dropped by 30 percent. Apparently, Columbia students are now both safe and boring.

--Compiled by Dave Oppenheim from The Cornell Daily Sun, The Harvard Independent, and The Columbia Daily Spectator.

Back to News...